Machete

I took a break, yada yada yada, and now I’m back. Leaner and meaner, starker and darker. Shorter.

Probably shorter. Sometimes I can’t help it. What can I say? I was bourne this way.

But let's get down to it. They’ve made movies based on theme park rides (“Pirates of the Caribbean”), toys (“Transformers”), and things no one cares about (“The King’s Speech”). Why not a movie based on a fake trailer from another movie? Enter “Machete,” a ridiculous action romp of increasingly diminishing returns. While it has the consistent undercurrent of being an anti-anti-immigration story, Robert Rodirguez doesn’t let that detract from the gallons of gore and scenes of people jumping out of a window while holding another man’s intestines and using it (them?) as a rope. The film also features Lindsay Lohan, who is believable as a young woman with significant father issues who doesn’t mind taking off her clothes and mixing it up.

Enjoyable, but I didn’t appreciate it as much as some of Rodgiruez’s other work.

Onward!

Annapolis

Here's what happened. The producers approached a screenwriter and said, "Write a movie about a guy who goes to the naval academy and also boxes. Throw in every movie cliche you can think of. Give us the final product in forty minutes." Then, somehow, the producers got the director of the great "Better Luck Tomorrow" and James Franco to join in on the project. This is the result of that anomalous confluence of events.

"Annapolis" is one of the more preposterously stupid films I've seen recently, but I enjoyed myself thoroughly. That being said, I wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone, unless you want to see Franco exercise a lot in the many montage scenes.

With a Friend Like Harry

A good, if almost tired, premise: A man is approached by someone he does not know, but the someone seems to know a lot about him. Creepiness then ensues. But what might be a feisty French thriller turns out to be rather pedestrian. Not much here, except for some reason parts of it remind me of the Dutch film "The Vanishing," which is far superior.

Bloodsport

It's much worse than I remember. See, for example, the scene where Jean-Claude has a flashback of his training days. So we see a still shot of JCVD looking askance, then a snippet of a training montage, then another still of JCVD, still ruminating, as if we'd forgotten this was his memory, then another snippet from his childhood, and so on. For ten minutes.

But I still love this movie. The kumite. Frank Dux. Bolo Yueng as Chong Li. All good things.

Sudden Death

It's the last game of the Stanley Cup. The Vice President is there. So is Powers Boothe, who plays one of the least interesting villains ever. Good thing Van Damme, a former firefighter, is there to fight a penguin, play goalie, and generally save the day. Do I regret watching this movie? Of course not. But I wouldn't say I'm proud of it.

Come Drink With Me

A classic Shaw brothers martial arts film that bored me and that I watched mostly in fast forward.

W.

Things I learned from watching Oliver Stone's take on the W: W has daddy issues, Barbara is three feet shorter than George Herbert, and Herbie is actually manly. My response is, of course, not really, and I kind of doubt it. Far gone are the Stone heydays of "Salvador," "Natural Born Killers," and "Midnight Express." I miss those days.

Kiss Me Deadly

Mike Hammer is a Bedroom Dick (a PI who specializes in divorces). He does things like, when he sees two ladies cross his path, says, "Ooh, look at all the goodies." Then he gets involved in a complex crime that involves radioactive material and a "Repo Man"-esque briefcase. It's okay fifties noir.

OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies

An occasionally inspired but more often so-so exercise in French spy spoofery that has the look of "Dr. No" and the feel of "Undercover Brother." The great moment that sticks in my head is where the French spy tells his Egyptian love interest that the problem with Arabic is that it's too hard to read.

The Grapes of Wrath

The travails of Tom Joad, famous in part for his memorable "I'll be there" speech. And it looks like Lloyd Bridges (Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum!) as Grandpappy Joad. A story of people who, in their words, ain't been treated decent in a while. I like the scene where the farmer who's getting kicked off his land is trying to figure out who to shoot -- not the bank, or the manager (just doing what he's told). "Then who do we shoot?" It perfectly sums up the indignant desperation of the poor.

It's hard not to think of the Okies as stupid (they believe anything a handbill tells them). But you'd have to be heartless not to sympathize with them -- they're poor and don't really have the option of not believing what people tell them to. When a passing motorist says there's work eighty miles that way, they've got to go that way. Good movie, but I think I liked the book better.

A Man for All Seasons

Where are the heroes of yesteryear? Men such as Thomas More, the subject of this film? A man who doesn't waste his time with easy questions, such as, if the Catholic Church is so corrupt, why am I Catholic? A man who instead says, my view of religion is this, and anyone who disagrees with me is a heretic. A man who won't let his daughter marry the love of her life because he is a Lutheran. Until he becomes a Catholic, in which case he's okay.

But More is a man of principles and stands up for what he believes in. In that sense, the filmmakers suppose his life is worthy of study. However, shouldn't we also be questioning what those principles are? A lot of people we consider bad stand up for what they believe in. So what? So what if he stood up to a king because of an insignificant interpretation of the rules of divorce according to the church? I for one do not care.

The Reader

In post-World War II Germany, a Nazi cougar (Kate Winslet) gets naked with a young one, who reads to her. Then the young one grows up and watches Winslet stand trial for being a Nazi who personally helped kill hundreds of people. Then we learn she has a secret, which is both amazingly predictable and at the same time preposterously stupid. Then the young one grows up, becomes a lawyer, and shares a secret of his own with his daughter.

Some people think the movie is about German guilt. The young one knows that she is not revealing her secret during the trial, and he does nothing. This, people say, is like Germans during the Holocaust knowing what was happening to Jews, and yet they did nothing. They stood by. That may be what the filmmakers think it's about, but I'm not sure the film is about anything. If they want to explain, or excuse, or explore, what ordinary Germans did during the Holocaust, maybe the film should be about what ordinary Germans did during the Holocaust, and not what ordinary Germans did after the Holocaust. Just a thought.

Willow

A Ron Howard film about the conflicts between the Nelwyns and Daikinis. No, not "Frost/Nixon." This is the tale of Queen Bavmorda, Willow Ufgood (Warwick Davis), who wants to be High Aldwin's apprentice, Madmartigan (Val Kilmer), Willow's companions Meegosh and Burglekutt, and the all important baby, Elora Danon.

Parts of the movie -- the tavern scene, the assault on Bavmorda's castle -- play like, pardon the pun, "The Lord of the Rings" on a smaller scale. But in the final analysis, it's timeless in the sense that it's as good now as it was when it was released.

Don Juan, or, If Don Juan Were a Woman

Reputed sexpot Brigitte Bardot plays a Donna Juan character in this snooze of a film that plays like "Emmanuelle" without the good stuff. Instead of the good stuff, we get a lot of pseudo-philosophic, faux-Freudian palaver that would only be interesting, if that, for people like Camille Paglia.

Heist

David Mamet disappoints. The less said the better. It makes me wonder whether "Spartan" and "Redbelt" are flukes.

Slumdog Millionaire

The last time I was in India, my girlfriend died. She was shot to death by a Russian assassin in Goa. Right after I went for a run on the beach. Since then I've been beat up, shot at, and chased, and I've never had a chance to deal with the loss of Marie Kreutz. So you'll understand that I have been wary of returning to India.

But return I must for the viewing of the lavishly praised film that is supposedly a crowd-pleaser. Before I saw it, I knew the bare bones of the plot, and I could guess that in the end the main character, Jamal, gets the money and the girl. Just a guess. And I must say, five minutes into the film, I also knew what the final question would be. And ten minutes in, I was thinking, isn't this just like "City of God," with the children learning life lessons as they grow up in the slums?

But that's getting ahead of ourselves. Let's first ask, what crowd is pleased by this? We see a little orphan blinded by molten liquid poured from a hot spoon, a kid covered in feces, the main character subjected to electrical and water torture, a mother beat to death with a bat, a man burned alive, and more kids left to horrible fates at the hands of thugs and gangsters. The same people who cheer for this film also were likely pleased by "I Spit on Your Grave" and "Inside."

Perhaps the crowd was pleased by the love story between Jamal and Latika, a girl who we hardly ever see and who spends very little on-screen time with Jamal. Other than the fact that Jamal finds her attractive, what does he love about her? We're not sure, because she has, like, five lines. Being attractive is reason enough for the film to make sense (see "Something New" for another example of this), but I'd like more.

Director Danny Boyle does bring the verve to this project, but one can't help but wonder, is it the story that is thrilling, or is the camera doing all the work? It's like the cinematographer liked the multiple cameras of "Natural Born Killers," the dramatic effect of "Requiem for a Dream," and the handheld, nonstop use of, let's be honest, my films, and brought them all together. And then added some color to it all, making the slums look not pristine, but glorious. The film doesn't really convey the awfulness of being covered in other people's excrement when it looks like the person is shining and glittering like Edward Cullen in "Twilight." Now, I don't need a scene like that to look realistic, but the overall effect makes the life of a slumdog seem not as bad as it was depicted in "Born into Brothels." Ah, just another beautiful, colorful day of gleeful children cheerily running through the slums being chased by police while a song by M.I.A. plays in the background. What should be a terrifying experience is now a music video.

Can a British director and writer and producers be more honest about India than India? Should we care that the film is essentially made by people who did not grow up in India? Why not, when we live in a world where Gandhi can be played by an Englishman. And Americans make films about other countries all the time, like "Rocky IV" and "Valkyrie." And those are historically and socially accurate, so I'm sure there's no problem.

I've seen it twice now, and I still don't know what to make of it. Everyone loves a winner, and who doesn't like a story about a poor man getting the girl and the money? "What a night!" the host of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" says at the end. I just wish I had left the film thinking, What a movie! But I didn't.

Doubt

Decent acting, terrible filmmaking. And after it was over, I was left with the same question I had after reading the play: So what?

Cabaret

Lucille II stars in the Bob Fosse-an goings-on at 1931 Berlin's Kit Kat Klub. All the while, I was thinking of Armand's stage direction to the young stud in "The Birdcage," who wanted to know if he should "just stand there" while Nathan Lane sings: "You do an eclectic celebration of the dance. You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse. You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham. Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla. Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd. Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna. But you keep it all inside."

The movie makes clear what was clear to me after watching the play: the life of the Master of Ceremonies is much more interesting than anyone else. Let's see more of that. Less of Sally Bowles and her friends.

Five Easy Pieces

Not sure why I watched this. Whatever.

Baby Face

A girl tries to get whatever she wants by using men, as much as she can in a 1930's movie. She has a lot in common with Heather Graham's character in "Bowfinger." No reason to see this (except if you want to see a young John Wayne -- not worth it, in my book).