The Best Movies of 2008

Every year, film critics publish their list of the ten best films that have been released in the past year. Here are the best offerings of 2008, according to this critic:

1. Bigger, Stronger, Faster
2. Redbelt
3. Rambo
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

I know what you're thinking. For a top ten list, this one is lacking a few entries. There's an explanation for that: movies this year were terrible, and these are the only three that merit consideration in a list.

You also might be thinking, but what about all the movies released in December? It cannot be disputed that film studios hold onto their Oscar movies until the very end of the year. But in the eyes of this critic, film studios have taken it too far. The trend is getting worse. For instance, last year, three of the Best Picture nominees were released in December, one in November, and one in October. It's Hollywood's way of telling viewers, don't expect to see anything good for the next nine months. I have had enough.

There is an idea in American criminal law called suppression. The idea is that when the government procures evidence by violating an individual's constitutional rights, the appropriate remedy is that the government cannot use that evidence against someone in court. This year, the film industry has violated our rights as viewers by releasing nothing worth watching, at least through the end of November -- three movies aside, of course. To punish the industry, I will not consider any movie released in the month of December for my top ten list. I may watch them, I may like them, I may blog about them. But they will not be on my list, for they have been suppressed.

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

A 1930's version of "Michael Clayton" in which a doe-eyed political newbie is shocked--shocked--to learn that politicians are corrupt. It has a certain old-timey charm, but it's pretty simple. "The Distinguished Gentleman" addressed similar issues and was much more entertaining.

Hancock

Will Smith is an alcoholic superhero who has issues coping with his greatness. It's a quirky premise, Smith is great in the role, the writing is solid, and the action is well done. But once we learn more about Charlize Theron's character, the movie loses steam and it goes places I don't think it should go.

To be honest, I wasn't expecting much, but this is the third Peter Berg movie -- other than "Friday Night Lights" and "The Kingdom" -- where I have been pleasantly surprised. It's not a great movie, but it's still better than most of what I've seen this year.

Outsourced

In keeping with the concept of the film, this critic outsourced most of the viewing to Mrs. The Bourne Critic, who informs this critic the film is good, funny, and sweet. Bear in mind, because I did not see much of the film, this critique does not come from me, and I do not know what Monkey Pulls the Turnip means.

Made of Honor

Bad.

P.S. Patrick Dempsey was good in "Run," but that was 17 years ago.

Up the Yangtze

A documentary about the Yangtze River in China, the Three Gorges Dam project, and riding and working on a cruise ship going up the river. We get a glimpse of real life in China. "China is too hard for common people," cries a storeowner. We see the lives of people who work on the cruise ship, catering to the whims of weird tourists, and how most of the workers come from poor rural families who can't afford to support their children. It's informative in a PBS kind of way.

The ending seems nice at first, a slow montage of scenes, showing the passage of time, the displacement of people, the rising of the water. But it lasts ten minutes, which is way too long to be forced to meditate at the end of a movie.

Sukiyaki Western Django

A Japanese Spaghetti Western (should it be Sushi Western?) of the "Red Harvest"/"Last Man Standing"/"Yojimbo" ilk, helmed by a director renowned for his ultraviolent gangster and horror movies, with actors speaking English (not dubbed), and Quentin Tarantino appearing as a gunslinger whose English is less believable than that of his ESL counterparts. It's as WTF as it sounds.

Quantum of Solace

It's very easy to hate on this movie. Paul Haggis wrote it, so it should come as no surprise that the script is way too obvious when talking about geopolitical issues. Some of the action scenes are too jitterily filmed to know what's going on. In fact, all the action sequences and the filming of locales is derivative of Paul Greengrass's "Bourne" movies and "The Constant Gardener."

Some true Bond fans will also hate on the lack of gadgets, puns, and other typical Bond fare. But here's where I like the movie. Bond should not be limited to being a Roger Moore-like skirt-chasing wiseass. He's a dark, brutal mess, who surrounds himself with people who die. That's how Craig plays him, and that's what gives me hope for the next entry in the series, so long as it heads in the same direction. There's also Olga Kurylenko to consider, who is one of the better Bond women in a long time. More of the next Bond film should be like the opera scene in "Quantum," which is an artistic gunfight that plays out silently while an opera star belts out a dirge. It's finely done.

I left this film realizing just how important the director is, and how that choice is arguably more important than the right Bond actor. Marc Foster, bless his "Monster's Ball" self, just doesn't know action. That's why Michael Mann should direct the next Bond film. It would be nothing but Bond cruising around in different vehicles, listening to Audioslave or Paul Oakenfold, and there'd be hot chicks, and loud gunfights, and guys being guys, and rich people in great houses, and coke dealers wearing silk shirts, and sleazy informants, and more driving of vehicles while Audioslave plays. And it would be great.

Also, in case anyone cares, I noticed during the credits that Guillermo del Toro and Alfonso Cuaron were the voices of bar patrons. Listen for them if you happen to watch it again; I didn't hear them, and I don't know why they were in the movie.

Planet of the Apes

The original! Not the stupid semi-racist Tim Burton remake. With the overactor Charlton Heston screaming such lines as "You cut up his brain, you bloody baboon," and "Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" I actually liked it, especially when Heston was wanting some jungle fever with the hot female scientist. Although, the twist at the end wasn't much of a twist because the DVD itself has the Statue of Liberty on it. So, if you don't know the ending, and if you haven't read this post, don't look at the DVD before you watch it.

Mongol

"Do not scorn a weak cub. He may become the brutal tiger." The story of Genghis Khan, before he was Genghis Khan -- written and directed by a Russian. The film follows Temudgin, a young slave, as he grows and fights and is enslaved again and then fights some more, and finally becomes The Genghis. The fight scenes are nicely done, very red and gory, but there's too big a lull between the fights where he see The Genghis's softer side. Maybe in the next two entries in this trilogy they'll speed it up.

Coffy

Pam Grier is Coffy, who wants revenge on dope pushers for giving drugs to her younger sister. She goes undercover in a prostitution ring and engages in some typical '70s blaxploitation behavior. Go Coffy!

Mean Girls

Tina Fey's portrayal of a teacher reminds this critic of Mrs. The Bourne Critic. Also, like in "Walk Hard," Tim Meadows turns in a performance that is hilarious, or in the words of this movie, so fetch. Meadows should do more.

How Much Do You Love Me?

A European Monica Bellucci comedy. I've seen better.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I was amused early on when Russell Brand, playing a rock star, held a sign that said, "Sodomize Intolerance." Very soon after that, however, I lost interest. It's another film where an unlikeable guy has two beautiful women who like him. Inexplicably. There're no laughs here. Entre nous, the Judd Apatow train is running out of steam. I want to deboard.