Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

One of my New Year's resolutions: rewatch Charlie Kaufman films. I just don't like his movies, but film nuts seem to like him, so I'll give him another go. He wrote this adaptation of the autobiography of the host of "The Gong Show" and "The Dating Game." The host claims in his spare time he was a government assassin. He seems nuts. The film does a nice job of portraying Chuck Barris's character as someone who was probably, for all intents and purposes, totally schizo, but without it coming across as comic or condescending.

The film's decent, but not really Kaufman-esque, which I don't mind. My Wikipedia research indicates Kaufman is upset because George Clooney (who directed) edited the script and didn't consult with Kaufman. You know what, Charlie? Suck it up. You're not that great a writer, and there's nothing wrong with a director trying to make the incoherent coherent. One can only imagine the pretentious fantasy world Kaufman envisioned, or the fourth-wall-ish ideas he had for this gem of a film idea. Even though I'm not the biggest Clooney-as-director fan ("Michael Clayton" blew like the wind), I will say this is probably better than what Kaufman had in mind.

Bad Taste

Peter Jackson's first film, a gory zombie/alien action/adventure/comedy. If I made this over the weekend with my friends and a budget of $30, I'd be very proud of myself. But it really begs the question how this director was given hundreds of millions of dollars to make "The Lord of the Rings." It certainly wasn't on the basis of this film. So what was it? "The Frighteners"? "Dead Alive"? Someone tell me!!!

Baghead

One of the so-called DIY, mumblecore movies. According to Wikipedia, these movies are characterized by "ultra-low budget production (often employing digital video cameras), focus on personal relationships between twenty-somethings, improvised scripts, and non-professional actors." However, to my mind, these movies are characterized by bad acting, bad scripts, and a complete lack of story. I must say, though, of the mumblecore movies I've seen, "Baghead" is by far the best. Considering how the others I've seen are unwatchable, that's not saying much. But still, the movie has a good premise: a pair of couples go to a cabin for the weekend to write a movie, but things go awry when a man with a bag on his head makes an unexpected appearance. What follows is supposed to be horror, I guess, but "Halloween" was more terrifying and was also made on a fairly small budget. So if you want to see horror, watch "Halloween," but if you want to watch mumblecore horror . . . just watch "Halloween" instead.

Though this critic watched the whole thing, the Just Bourne Critic was not as excited and continued to sleep. Thus, this critic happened to catch most of "Something New" on the Oxygen channel. A few observations. One, viewers of the Oxygen channel must love diets and perfume. Two, I was left with a few questions about "Something New." Usually in a movie like this, where two opposites attract, each one learns a little about his- or herself before they come together at the end. Here, he never changed; she never taught him anything. That seemed odd to me. Also, we never really get to see his friends. Again, in the opposites attract genre, I think it's typical to see both sides. But since "Something New" is told from her perspective, and it's all about how she changes and how her friends and family view the situation, I'm willing to live with those aspects of the film. After watching it, some may ask themselves, why would any man put up with someone who can be condescending, high-strung, and high-maintenance. If you want the answer, take another look at the actress.

The Still Sleeping Critic also let this critic catch some of "Fargo" on AMC, where the language is edited. A few observations. One, it's a great film. Two, the f-word was used as an adjective three times before I stopped watching, and each time it was replaced with a different dubbed word: frozen, frugal, and then fruitless. Interesting.

The Duchess

The movie everyone wanted -- the real story of the Duchess of Devonshire, which plays like a cross between "Marie Antoinette" and "The Other Boleyn Girl." No wait, I was wrong. No one was asking for that movie. Nor should they.

The House Bunny

Five seconds in, I was like, "Jesus Christ." A few minutes later I was more like, "Oh my God." But then I settled in and the movie found its stride and I enjoyed it. It never really rises above being a second-rate "Legally Blonde" or a shameless plug for Playboy, but it has its moments, almost all of them courtesy of Anna Faris. My favorite parts were when she said "Good morning, Pooter. You're looking dapper," and said Natalie in her Exorcist voice. They don't sound funny, but if you watch it, you'll know what I mean. Come to think of it, I was so amused by this movie that in retrospect, "The House Bunny" made "Burn After Reading" look like "Manhattan."

War, Inc.

Tepid political satire about the synergy (in the Teddy K. sense) of American imperialism, multinational corporations, and Hilary Duff. I don't claim to have seen the whole film, but if the first half hour is any indication of the rest of the film, "War, Inc." is terrible.

Burn After Reading

"Hi. We're the Coen brothers. We just won some Oscars, so you'll watch whatever we make."

I was not impressed with this story of the CIA, the gym Hardbodies, and a bunch of incomparably stupid "adults." The plot doesn't sustain interest, but it doesn't have to if the jokes are funny. Which brings me to the jokes. The jokes aren't funny, aside from a few amusing moments with Brad Pitt. In fact, it was so not funny that in retrospect, "Hamlet 2" made "Burn After Reading" look like "Hannah and her Sisters."

On the plus side, I saw this two times today and still had time to fit a run in.

Hamlet 2

A high school drama teacher's life is a "parody of a tragedy." He's a terrible teacher and a terrible playwright and he's losing his job. In a last-ditch effort to save drama at his school, he has his students (who he mistakenly thinks are troubled teens) perform his original work, "Hamlet 2," which involves a time machine, Jesus, and musical numbers.

At first it comes dangerously close to being a spoof of "Dangerous Minds" along the lines of "Scary Movie," "Epic Movie," etc. But it rises above that and reminds me of Tobias directing "Romeo and Juliet" and "Rushmore." Worth watching, and one of the funnier films I've seen in awhile.

Sunrise

Ah, the sweet story of a man who tries to kill his wife so he can live with his mistress, but then has a change of heart and learns to appreciate the one he's with. It's not a talkie, so we hear organ music and see overacting, but the cinematography was probably good at the time.

The Lord of the Rings

I've now seen the extended versions and the regular versions. Can't say I know what the difference is (more of Grond in the extended?), but they're both good. However, this time this critic watched it with the Riddler, who made me wonder, why doesn't Gandalf use more magic, where are the non-white Middle Earth inhabitants, why didn't Gandalf use magic this time, why does Sauron look like a vah-jay-jay, again with the magic. I don't have the answers. Maybe they're in the book. And maybe the book gives a more explicit PTSD explanation for why Frodo leaves the Shire at the end.

The Band's Visit

The story of an Egyptian police band trying to find its way to an Arab cultural center in Israel to play a gig. As luck would have it, they get lost along the way and end up in a small Israeli town. It starts out quite funny in a straight-faced, staid kind of way. But then it tries to be serious and explore the love lives of the characters and it goes somewhat downhill. However, the latter half isn't bad enough to ruin the film, in part because, contrary to what I expected, it's not one of those can't-we-all-get-along movies. There's too many of those. This isn't one.

Chop Shop

This film chronicles the lives of a poor brother and sister in the chop shop district of New York City. Aside from some characters going to the baseball stadium and the viewer hearing the fans chant "Mets" over and over, I'm not sure there's anything that would lead you to believe it doesn't take place in a third world country. Well, maybe the license plates, but I wasn't paying attention to those. I like that eye-opening quality of "Chop Shop," observing how the other half lives.

But the main characters are children, and unless we're talking about an Iranian film like "Children of Heaven" or "The Color of Paradise," that's usually not good enough to carry the film. Here, the actors aren't the best, they don't come across as very sympathetic, and they certainly don't carry the film.

Twilight

Before I saw this movie, I had already written the review I wanted to post: "If I ever see this movie again, I'm going to need two tickets. One for me, and one for the man with a gun to my head. And hopefully he's paying."

But after actually watching "Twilight," I can't say that, because the movie is good. And I want to emphasize, the movie is good. Not the acting, not the script, not the story, not the special effects. Bella and Edward weren't the greatest actors. Bella, though, had a certain indefinable quality that made her appropriately cast: she's fairly normal looking, but a viewer can comfortably look at her for long periods of time. Edward is, frankly, not too easy on the eyes, which is for me a significant problem. But this critic's lady friends inform him that Edward is in fact hot. So I guess for the target audience, Edward was appropriately cast as well.

I attribute everything good in the movie to the director, Catherine Hardwicke. She made "Thirteen," and the better parts of "Twilight" brought to mind that film, such as the realistic, poignant drama between Bella and her father. For me, the most memorable parts of the movie were when Bella and Edward were with each other (and they weren't called on to act too much, which spoiled some scenes). With the tone set by New Age-y, angsty, emo music (in case you can't guess, I have no idea how to describe the music, but it was good), the camera lingers on them, and they sigh and fail to complete their sentences and stare at each other. Just when things start to heat up, the camera drifts away before things get too saucy. As far as content goes, it's a soft PG-13, but it's sexier than a few R-rated Alyssa Milano films I've seen. And overall, I think it captures very well the world of teenagers and at the same time creates an escapist fantasy out of all the problems teenagers face.

The bottom line is, I will not read the books, and if Hardwicke does not direct the sequel, there's a good chance that the review I wanted to write for "Twilight" will be perfectly appropriate for that movie.

The Dark Knight

I stand corrected: Christian Bale does take his shirt off. When he's on the boat with the Russian ballet, we catch a side glimpse for a split second. But for the record, I don't think that counts.

After a second viewing, I stand by my original review. The Joker scenes are great, like when he's leaning out the window of the car or robbing the bank. I like the premise, that a terrorist turns a whole city into chaos. And I like how Alfred describes the Joker: "Some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn."

But the non-Joker parts drag. The turning of Two-Face still makes no sense, and I think the movie would have been better served by losing an hour, losing Two-Face, and focusing on the Joker.

Man on Wire

A documentary about one man's lifelong desire to walk a tightrope between the Twin Towers. It's a fascinating story, and it has some great, hauntingly beautiful images of -- get this -- a man on a wire. But the film feels incomplete. We see the man and his posse of followers, and we wonder, what do these people do for money, how do they have years to spend just planning the event and practicing in the backyard, why do hippies from the US hang out with this French guy, in short who are these people? It's also confusing what was authentic footage and what was reenacted, and if it was authentic, who was filming and why. That's too many questions for such a simple film.

Wanted

Here's how it starts: "A thousand years ago . . . A clan of weavers formed a secret society of assassins. They silently carried out executions to restore order to a world on the brink of chaos. They called themselves the Fraternity. Six weeks ago . . ."

Loses you at weavers, doesn't it? That's where it lost me.

What follows is equal parts "Lucky Number Slevin" (without the Kansas City Shuffle), "Shoot 'Em Up" (without the carrot humor), and "Fight Club" (without the coolness). A better title for this film would have been, "Not Wanted."

The Incredible Hulk

Like "Iron Man," but a lot worse. The Hulk looks great in the beginning, when he's just a creature lurking in the shadows. But as soon as we see the full thing, the CGI doesn't do it.

Edward Norton? Really? And Liv Tyler? Please.

Black Caesar

A powerful story, shoddily told. Not all poorly filmed films are unwatchable, though.

WALL-E

An hour-and-a-half version of the Bjork video "All is Full of Love," with touches of "Toys" and "Event Horizon." The story between WALL-E and EVE is sweet, but when the overweight humans get in the picture, the movie loses momentum fast. It's no "Finding Nemo."

The Best Movies of 2008

Every year, film critics publish their list of the ten best films that have been released in the past year. Here are the best offerings of 2008, according to this critic:

1. Bigger, Stronger, Faster
2. Redbelt
3. Rambo
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

I know what you're thinking. For a top ten list, this one is lacking a few entries. There's an explanation for that: movies this year were terrible, and these are the only three that merit consideration in a list.

You also might be thinking, but what about all the movies released in December? It cannot be disputed that film studios hold onto their Oscar movies until the very end of the year. But in the eyes of this critic, film studios have taken it too far. The trend is getting worse. For instance, last year, three of the Best Picture nominees were released in December, one in November, and one in October. It's Hollywood's way of telling viewers, don't expect to see anything good for the next nine months. I have had enough.

There is an idea in American criminal law called suppression. The idea is that when the government procures evidence by violating an individual's constitutional rights, the appropriate remedy is that the government cannot use that evidence against someone in court. This year, the film industry has violated our rights as viewers by releasing nothing worth watching, at least through the end of November -- three movies aside, of course. To punish the industry, I will not consider any movie released in the month of December for my top ten list. I may watch them, I may like them, I may blog about them. But they will not be on my list, for they have been suppressed.

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

A 1930's version of "Michael Clayton" in which a doe-eyed political newbie is shocked--shocked--to learn that politicians are corrupt. It has a certain old-timey charm, but it's pretty simple. "The Distinguished Gentleman" addressed similar issues and was much more entertaining.

Hancock

Will Smith is an alcoholic superhero who has issues coping with his greatness. It's a quirky premise, Smith is great in the role, the writing is solid, and the action is well done. But once we learn more about Charlize Theron's character, the movie loses steam and it goes places I don't think it should go.

To be honest, I wasn't expecting much, but this is the third Peter Berg movie -- other than "Friday Night Lights" and "The Kingdom" -- where I have been pleasantly surprised. It's not a great movie, but it's still better than most of what I've seen this year.

Outsourced

In keeping with the concept of the film, this critic outsourced most of the viewing to Mrs. The Bourne Critic, who informs this critic the film is good, funny, and sweet. Bear in mind, because I did not see much of the film, this critique does not come from me, and I do not know what Monkey Pulls the Turnip means.

Made of Honor

Bad.

P.S. Patrick Dempsey was good in "Run," but that was 17 years ago.

Up the Yangtze

A documentary about the Yangtze River in China, the Three Gorges Dam project, and riding and working on a cruise ship going up the river. We get a glimpse of real life in China. "China is too hard for common people," cries a storeowner. We see the lives of people who work on the cruise ship, catering to the whims of weird tourists, and how most of the workers come from poor rural families who can't afford to support their children. It's informative in a PBS kind of way.

The ending seems nice at first, a slow montage of scenes, showing the passage of time, the displacement of people, the rising of the water. But it lasts ten minutes, which is way too long to be forced to meditate at the end of a movie.

Sukiyaki Western Django

A Japanese Spaghetti Western (should it be Sushi Western?) of the "Red Harvest"/"Last Man Standing"/"Yojimbo" ilk, helmed by a director renowned for his ultraviolent gangster and horror movies, with actors speaking English (not dubbed), and Quentin Tarantino appearing as a gunslinger whose English is less believable than that of his ESL counterparts. It's as WTF as it sounds.

Quantum of Solace

It's very easy to hate on this movie. Paul Haggis wrote it, so it should come as no surprise that the script is way too obvious when talking about geopolitical issues. Some of the action scenes are too jitterily filmed to know what's going on. In fact, all the action sequences and the filming of locales is derivative of Paul Greengrass's "Bourne" movies and "The Constant Gardener."

Some true Bond fans will also hate on the lack of gadgets, puns, and other typical Bond fare. But here's where I like the movie. Bond should not be limited to being a Roger Moore-like skirt-chasing wiseass. He's a dark, brutal mess, who surrounds himself with people who die. That's how Craig plays him, and that's what gives me hope for the next entry in the series, so long as it heads in the same direction. There's also Olga Kurylenko to consider, who is one of the better Bond women in a long time. More of the next Bond film should be like the opera scene in "Quantum," which is an artistic gunfight that plays out silently while an opera star belts out a dirge. It's finely done.

I left this film realizing just how important the director is, and how that choice is arguably more important than the right Bond actor. Marc Foster, bless his "Monster's Ball" self, just doesn't know action. That's why Michael Mann should direct the next Bond film. It would be nothing but Bond cruising around in different vehicles, listening to Audioslave or Paul Oakenfold, and there'd be hot chicks, and loud gunfights, and guys being guys, and rich people in great houses, and coke dealers wearing silk shirts, and sleazy informants, and more driving of vehicles while Audioslave plays. And it would be great.

Also, in case anyone cares, I noticed during the credits that Guillermo del Toro and Alfonso Cuaron were the voices of bar patrons. Listen for them if you happen to watch it again; I didn't hear them, and I don't know why they were in the movie.

Planet of the Apes

The original! Not the stupid semi-racist Tim Burton remake. With the overactor Charlton Heston screaming such lines as "You cut up his brain, you bloody baboon," and "Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" I actually liked it, especially when Heston was wanting some jungle fever with the hot female scientist. Although, the twist at the end wasn't much of a twist because the DVD itself has the Statue of Liberty on it. So, if you don't know the ending, and if you haven't read this post, don't look at the DVD before you watch it.

Mongol

"Do not scorn a weak cub. He may become the brutal tiger." The story of Genghis Khan, before he was Genghis Khan -- written and directed by a Russian. The film follows Temudgin, a young slave, as he grows and fights and is enslaved again and then fights some more, and finally becomes The Genghis. The fight scenes are nicely done, very red and gory, but there's too big a lull between the fights where he see The Genghis's softer side. Maybe in the next two entries in this trilogy they'll speed it up.

Coffy

Pam Grier is Coffy, who wants revenge on dope pushers for giving drugs to her younger sister. She goes undercover in a prostitution ring and engages in some typical '70s blaxploitation behavior. Go Coffy!

Mean Girls

Tina Fey's portrayal of a teacher reminds this critic of Mrs. The Bourne Critic. Also, like in "Walk Hard," Tim Meadows turns in a performance that is hilarious, or in the words of this movie, so fetch. Meadows should do more.

How Much Do You Love Me?

A European Monica Bellucci comedy. I've seen better.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I was amused early on when Russell Brand, playing a rock star, held a sign that said, "Sodomize Intolerance." Very soon after that, however, I lost interest. It's another film where an unlikeable guy has two beautiful women who like him. Inexplicably. There're no laughs here. Entre nous, the Judd Apatow train is running out of steam. I want to deboard.

The Hot Spot

Dennis Hopper made this saucy steamer of a thriller, and then two years later he appeared in "Red Rock West," which was similar, except that it was much better. But "Red Rock West" didn't have Don Johnson and Jennifer Connelly going for it.

Snatch

Brad Pitt the boxing pikey. That's all I've got to say.

The Departed

Is this movie good a third time? "Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe f--- yourself."

12 Angry Men

A great movie for lawyers, but I'm still troubled that Henry Fonda's character makes the deal that he'll vote guilty if no one else agrees. I'm not sure that's how it's supposed to work.

In other lawyer news, I recently watched an episode of "30 Rock" where Tina Fey said she wasn't going to hit on some Wall Street types at a bar, because they worked for the firm of Daterape, Cokington, Cheeseball & Jag. LOL.

The Edge of Heaven

The director of the absolutely fantastic "Head-On" returns with a movie in which The Just Bourne Critic gave up interest after he realized it was one of those "Babel," "Amores Perros," "Short Cuts"-type movies. And the Bourne Critic quickly followed suit.

The Piano

Jane Campion's "In the Cut" has for some reason made me want to see her other work, including this serious, dramatic, brutal love story. It's a'ight.

Standard Operating Procedure

Errol Morris tackles the same subject as the recent "Taxi to the Dark Side" -- torture, Abu Ghraib, etc. Morris relies heavily on reenactments, though. "Taxi" made the soldiers seem kind of evil. Here, they just seem stupid. The thing in common with all their stories is that they weren't really responsible for what happened and they don't understand why they got in trouble. Well, who was then? Certainly not Lynndie England, at least according to Lynndie England.

Towards the end, one interrogator sums up the current situation in Iraq: If we leave, they're killing each other and they're not killing us; if we stay, they're killing each other and they're killing us. There might be some truth to that.

Control Room

An informative documentary about Al Jazeera, which I watched again mainly to see the deleted scenes with Deema Khatib.

The Trials of Henry Kissinger

The director of the way overrated "Why We Fight" made this earlier film about Mr. Kissinger. Here are a few things I learned. He won the Nobel Peace Prize for ending the war in Vietnam, which Kissinger helped needlessly extend because they were close to peace in 1968, when Kissinger undercut it so he could get a job with Nixon. He won the prize in 1973, but the war didn't end until 2 years later. He planned secret bombings in Cambodia, where more than 500,000 civilians died, which helped the Khmer Rouge come to power. Kissinger and Ford met Suharto right before Indonesia invaded East Timor, and they gave him the "green light" and let him use American weapons. He also supervised CIA involvement in the coup of Chile's democratically elected President Salvador Allende.

There. Now you know too, and you don't need to see the movie.

The Bucket List

Let me tell you what's not on my bucket list: seeing this movie a second time.

Collateral

If there's a Michael Mann movie that comes close to the absolute brilliance of "The Last of the Mohicans" or "Heat" or "The Insider," this is it. It has a cameo by Jason Statham as his "Transporter" character, Javier Bardem as a gaucho, and Mark Ruffalo's best work since "In the Cut." I still love the scene at the Korean Club Fever, and I wish I could use in everyday conversation what Tom Cruise says to Jamie Foxx: "We gotta make the best of it. Improvise. Adapt to the environment. Darwn. S[tuff] happens. I Ching. Whatever, man. We gotta roll with it."

Mother of Tears

Any movie that has the line "Go and grab the Aramaic and Mycenaean dictionaries, will you?" is either going to be a documentary about the making of the new Mel Gibson flick or a bad horror film about an ancient curse, some witches, death cults, and other stuff. This is the latter. I consider myself an Asia Argento fan, but watching this I realized I can't think of a great movie she's been in, other than "xXx." This film's for tiger petters, not you, dear readers.

Legend

"The Princess Bride" meets "The Legend of Zelda" meets "A Bunch of Crap." Mia Sara, Tim Curry, Tom Cruise -- say what you will about the movie (it's terrible), it's great for the Kevin Bacon game.

Everyone has something embarrassing in their life they've done that haunts them for years afterward, long after everyone else has forgotten. People stay up some nights reliving this horrific thing they've done. For example, for Malcolm McDowell, it's probably "Caligula." Good money says that "Legend" is Tom Cruise's "Caligula."

Cruise plays a scrawny Puck-ish Link-like sprightly nymph something-or-other, and a year after this he made "Top Gun" and "The Color of Money." Something happened in between these movies. I don't know what: a deal with a certain Someone, magic beans, acting steroids. Something. Tom Cruise changed. For the better. And a year after this, Mia made "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." And after this Curry made "Clue." Anyone who's read the Dennis Lehane novel "Darkness, Take My Hand" will have an idea what I'm getting at. This was the nadir of everyone's acting careers, and it was hopefully the nadir of my movie watching for the month.

The Silence of the Lambs

It places the lotion in the basket.

Iron Man

A decent blockbuster, but it thinks it's too cool for its own good. Watchable, but forgettable.

I remember seeing Robert Downey Jr. on the cover of Rolling Stone recently. The premise of the story (from what I gather; I didn't read it) is that Downey Jr. is on a roll, he's the man to watch, etc. This is based on the fact that this year he was in "Iron Man" (which was well reviewed) and "Tropic Thunder" (where he was great). To me, the bar for achievement in acting has just been lowered. To qualify as having a stunning year in movies, at least for Rolling Stone, you have to go 2 for 2. That's all we ask: that someone be good in two movies in a row. I think we can expect a little better from our actors. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking Downey Jr. I thought he was also good in last year's "Zodiac." I'm talking strictly about the media and movie reviewers and how they get on whatever bandwagon is playing at the multiplex this week.

Bigger, Stronger, Faster*

*The Side Effects of Being American

A documentary about steroids in sports and America, made by a weightlifter whose two brothers have dabbled in the substance. There's nothing new about the technique or storytelling; the film owes quite a bit to "Roger & Me." But the filmmaker, Chris Bell, has made a captivating film that is informative and also captures a lot of intensely personal moments with his family. The most striking scene to me was when his mother was telling him she doesn't understand why her sons can't be satisfied with their God-given bodies and why they don't realize maybe there's something they have that Arnold and Sly don't. And what's even more impressive is how he manages to extract truths from his personal life and from the culture in general about what it means to be American.

A few months ago, someone asked me what movies I liked recently. I gave her my list, and she said I must like documentaries. I denied it, but half of my list was documentaries. This movie made me realize I don't prefer the genre, I just think that lately they are where the talent and ingenuity is at. Last year, nothing stuck with me like "Sicko" or "The King of Kong" or "The Devil Came on Horseback." This year, "Bigger, Stronger, Faster*" is The Film. So far.

Taxi to the Dark Side

An Afghan taxi driver takes three passengers for a ride in 2002, and he never comes home. Instead he was tortured to death by Americans at Bagram, and then those soldiers went on to Abu Ghraib. "You've always got people in the military who are just this side of the Marquis de Sade," says a colonel. According to this documentary, 105 people have died in US custody "over there," and 37 have been ruled to be homicides.

A lawyer who is interviewed about the Guantanamo mess says habeas corpus is the essence of the law. And Congress tried to strip it away, several times. Here's my rule of thumb: if you're scared to ask whether you're holding the right guy, you've probably got the wrong guy. And speaking of rules of thumb, if you get an interview technique from the Khmer Rouge (waterboarding), it's probably a bad idea.

I found it personally offensive when some talking heads started blaming "24" for its "nonsense" and ridiculous ticking-bomb scenarios and frequent depiction of torture. Here's my final rule of thumb for this post: if you're taking issue with the best show ever, you're taking issue with the wrong show. And Jack Bauer will want to talk to you.

The Power of Nightmares

A three-hour BBC documentary that documents the rise (and fall?) and the intriguing similarities between Al Qaeda and the Neoconservatives, and how they use fear to gain control and run the masses. Towards the end, the film also makes the curious case that Al Qaeda, as we think of it, is a myth. It's thought-provoking, and I guess you can't expect much more than that from a documentary.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

I usually start reviews with a plot description, but I can't here because there's no plot. Richard Dreyfuss encounters an alien ship, becomes obsessed with aliens, and then goes to see them land in Wyoming. That's the beginning of a plot, but not enough to warrant 137 minutes of people looking up in the sky. Maybe if something happened on the ship at the end, or if there were some significant obstacles to him getting to the ship, but that's not really the case. It has good special effects, although it looks like Spielberg got the E.T. costumes from leftovers from this film.

Speed Racer

His first name is Speed, and his last name is Racer. Guess what he does. He races cars -- fast, colorful, gravity-defying cars. Generally, I don't like movies with a lot of CGI, kids movies, more than 2-hour-long movies, and movies based on old TV shows. But the Wachiowski brothers made this, so I gave it a try. The brothers should stick to R-rated fare like "Bound" and "V for Vendetta." The graphics were indeed impressive, but every time the story starts to go somewhere, they throw in some stupid bit about a kid and his chimp or whatever, and it's deflating. And it doesn't quite fit to have a movie for kids that also has an odd anti-conglomerate message. Like "King Kong," the best parts don't involve humans acting. And, as a side note, I learned that in a PG film, you can say, "Get that weak shit off my track."

Z

This based-on-a-true-story thriller documents the assassination of a left-leaning (i.e., democratic, rational) politico, probably in Greece, by hired thugs of the military running the country. The film by Costa-Gavras (who also did "Missing) is still great and worthwhile. The judge who unveils the conspiracy has a great montage at the end where he hauls all who are responsible before him and, whatever position they hold or protests they make, he always says the same thing: "Name and profession." It puts them in their place, and it shows that the real hero is the one who demands the truth from power.

Missing

A journalist disappears in the aftermath of the coup in Chile in the early '70s. Jack Lemmon and Sissy Spacek look for him. Lemmon at first thinks it's "anti-establishment paranoia," but he soon comes to realize the truth -- the US was responsible, along with the fascists we supported. Still great after all these years, in part because it's not afraid to show the truth behind America's foreign policy in Central and South America.

Red Sonja

Even worse than the complete crap I thought it would be.

The Day of the Jackal

French soldiers p.o.'d about restoring independence to Algeria hire an assassin, the Jackal, to kill President de Gaulle. Alternating between the assassin's preparations and the investigation into the threat, the film is a masterpiece of tension and tight plotting. I'd rather see it a second time than watch the remake with Richard Gere and Bruce Willis.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

The director of the great and underseen "Breakdown" helms this expensive B-movie that brings the trilogy to a screeching halt. The new guy they have playing John Connor is kind of a douche, as is his future wife, played by reigning douchess Claire Danes. Plus the one-liners from Arnold -- "Anger is more useful than despair" -- just don't do it for me. The film also leaves unexplored the Christian subtext of the whole series -- JC, Judgment Day, leading the resistance, and all that.

Baby Mama

"You pay the bills, she have the baby. That's called a baby mama. You ask any black man in Philadelphia." Tina Fey is the vice president of a company, and Sarah Palin looks like her, and they both want kids, so maybe this film is topical. But alas, like the thought of Palin one day running this country, it's not very funny. Mrs. The Bourne Critic thought it was hilarious until the last five minutes, when it got real stupid. Well, she's half right.

The Parallax View

A Warren Beatty '70s-era conspiratorial thriller, so technically flawed you have to crank up the sound to even guess at what the characters are saying. The only good line is what Beatty says to a drunk cop accosting him at a bar: "Don't touch me unless you love me." It has some striking cinematography, but huge plot holes that ruin the claustrophobic feeling.

Now my rant: The next critic who refers to this and "3 Days of the Condor" as classics -- and with the implication that every other conspiracy film must derive from these -- without explaining it gets demerits. They're on my list. Most recently, this emerged during reviews of "Michael Clayton," and perhaps the worst recurring offender is Peter Travers of Rolling Stone. Why is "The Parallax View" good? And why is the '70s the golden era of conspiracy films and not the '90s, with "The Game," "JFK," "Dave," and, dare I say it, "Conspiracy Theory"? The only way to get off the list is to write an in-depth article backing up the claim that Robert Altman films are worth watching -- another oft-stated but as yet unexplained belief of film critics.

Conan the Destroyer

You wanted it? You got it: Grace Jones and Wilt Chamberlain, together in a film at last. From the director of "Mandingo" and "Soylent Green." With Arnold, who punches a horse and the same camel he hit in the first film. Arnold also asks the immortal question, "What good is a sword against sorcery?" But that's not the only great line. Consider this exchange -- Girl: "Conan, there are six of them against her." Conan (spoken slowly and completely unironically): "One, two, three -- I think you're right." It's odd to have a sequel with worse special effects than the earlier original, but such is the case here.

A queen requests Wilt "20,000" Chamberlain accompany Conan and a girl to go to a castle, and the Queen assigns to Chamberlain the job of protecting the girl and -- get this -- her virginity. Wise move. I suppose if this were remade, a slightly ironic casting decision would be R. Kelly for this role.

Reprise

A Norwegian Post-French-New Wave-y, "Amelie"'-y look at two friends who become authors with varying levels of success in work, life, and relationships. It's good, but honestly, I can't think of a reason why I -- or anyone else -- needed to see this movie.

3 Days of the Condor

Based on the book entitled, believe it or not, "6 Days of the Condor." What happened to the other three days? The CIA probably stole them.

The Inglorious Bastards

I saw it because I've read Tarantino is remaking it and Fred Williamson's performance inspired Downey Jr. in "Tropic Thunder," so I suppose it should be friggin' rad, but for the most part, it's not. For a painful bonus, watch the special features and see a totally cracked-out-looking Tarantino talk with the director. And, I will say it ends with a huge explosion, and if you can't tell it's model miniatures and not the real thing, I don't want you reading this blog.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

I saw it six times in theaters. No real need to see it again, but still good.

The Terminator

The ending gives a shout-out to the works of Harlan Ellison, whose "'Repent, Harlequin!' Said the Ticktockman" influenced "V for Vendetta." Might be worth checking out.

Son of Rambow

Not as great as the previews would have us believe, but not without its endearing moments. "Rushmore" was better at addressing similar themes.

Redbelt

A good movie! 2008 has now seen two movies that will be worth watching next year: "Rambo" and this. The story brings to mind "Ghost Dog" in its depiction of applying samurai and martial arts principles to modern life. Like in "Spartan," David Mamet's great recent film, the dialogue in "Redbelt" is incomparable. Every line is active: it is one character doing something to another, forcing him or her to respond. Every line propels the story forward. And how significant too that Mamet, one of Hollywood's best dialogue writers, chooses to end his film in silence.

Thriller: A Cruel Picture

Christina Lindberg is the Ludivine Sagnier of her time, here playing the character of One Eye, so named because she has one eye. I saw the unrated version, but I would recommend the rated, since the unrated scenes are clearly not the actors and are just gross.

This film has influenced Quentin Tarantino, so we know it was made in the '70s and isn't good. Aside from the occasional inspired moment, such as the ultra-slow-motion beating she gives to two police officers with somber music playing, there's not much here that isn't done better in "I Spit on Your Grave."

Alien 3

For whatever reason, my personal favorite of the Alien films. Maybe it's the shaved heads. Or that David Fincher is behind the wheel.

Aliens

Like "Alien," but this time, it's different. More actiony than the horror-laden original. Several parts of "Halo" are clearly derived from this film.

Personal Best

"Chariots of Fire" meets "Brokeback Mountain." A very sweaty, physical depiction of athletes training for the 1980 Olympics, which the US boycotted so the finale is not what we'd expect. Two what-whats to Mariel Hemingway for getting in shape and letting the camera film every piece of her in slow motion while running and exercising. Not many people would let that happen, and even fewer could have it look good.

Embrace of the Vampire

Scrumtrulescent.

Fools Rush In

No, fools sit through the whole movie.

Tropic Thunder

Watchable, but it should have been funnier. Robert "Lead Farmer" Downey Jr. and Tom "F*** Stick" Cruise are the without-a-doubt standouts. But for everything else in the film but them, the word that comes to mind is "amusing." Perhaps mildly amusing or slightly amusing might better capture it, for what it's worth.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

And there was much rejoicing.

Mandingo

A take-your-pick-ploitation depiction of the antebellum South, what with all its cousin kissing, jungle fever, and vice versa. There are some negatives: too much effort on "genuine" accents so that the lack of subtitles is a definite drawback, the film is not very insightful or entertaining, and it's kind of racist. And now for the positives:

Kiss of the Spider Woman

Maybe an interesting play, but not a great movie.

Conan the Barbarian

In this classic co-written by Oliver Stone, the daughter of King Osric (Max von Sydow) has been kidnapped by Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones), leader of an up-and-coming snake cult. Arnold must get her back, and on the way he flexes and gets the chicks and punches a camel. He also describes the greatest pleasure in life: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women."

Beyond all my reasonable expectations, the movie is truly engrossing, if not altogether transporting, because it portrays a different world so effectively and completely. Well worth the time. "Conan" is good. Who knew?

The Counterfeiters

A good film, no doubt, but no way it was the best foreign language film of the year (see instead "4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days," which was probably the best film period of last year). We see the life of a professional counterfeiter who, in a concentration camp, is given the choice task of helping Nazis counterfeit the dollar and the pound. He faces an ethical dilemma: to do the task allows him a chance to live, but it also helps prolong the German war effort.

The ethical issues are tricky and nicely presented, but not as profound as in the recent "Black Book." And the film also, admirably, does what few other WWII films do: it comes close to portraying the Germans as human beings, which is one reason "Stalingrad" has stuck with me every since I saw it years ago.

Be Kind Rewind

Michel Gondry -- this guy, this is not my kind of guy. Neither are Jack Black or Mos Def. Gondry may be clever and creative, but I just don't care. This film plays like an extended rip-off of the SNL skit "Laser Cats," but "Laser Cats" is funnier and better.

Alien

"In space no one can hear you scream." With all due respect, I don't think the lack of hearing screaming is what's terrifying about this film. Rather, it's the alien coming out of your chest and then dismembering you. The tagline should have been, "In space aliens come out of your chest."

Blade Runner: The Final Cut

I've seen it before, I'll probably see it again, but I still find it slow and dull. The world depicted in "Blade Runner" has a lot of detail, but there's not much of a story here. The "Final Cut" version has no narration, and it probably has other differences from the other three or four versions, but I don't know what they are. No idea why Ridley Scott keeps churning out different versions of the same movie. He's like P. Diddy, remixing the same ol' stuff, hoping against hope that for whatever reason this time it will sound better.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

Holy mackeral! Holy Christmas! A human-looking alien, Klaatu, comes to the world to tell us to live in peace and without stupidity. He walks among us as Mr. Carpenter. Is he an alien, or a Russian? Does he truly come in peace? The special effects are rudimentary, but the story's good enough to make you wonder why Hollywood needs to remake it, other than the standard reason of having absolutely no creativity.

Dark City

A noirish sci-fi mystery with a nice comic booky look. Keifer Sutherland plays an odd scientist who speaks with an inexplicable accent and halting way of talking. Except of course when he points a gun at somebody and says, I kid you not, "We're running out of time." Is this the genesis of Jack Bauer? Parts of the film look a lot like the earlier "The City of Lost Children," and a character even uses the phrase "lost children." If I had made that movie, I'd be upset.

Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay

Racial stereotypes and gross-out humor and not much else. Neil Patrick Harris is present, but not as glorious as in the first Harold and Kumar adventure, where Harris frankly admitted he was tripping balls. This film also features some inbred crackers who named their cyclopian son Cyrus (to which I took personal offense). But perhaps most notably, we see a graphic threesome between Kumar, his dreamgirl, and Weedy, which is a life-size bag of weed. It's different, it's interesting.

The Dark Knight

Bawitdaba! I. Am. Back. Rock steady, and no more dizzies!!! I'm as giddy as a little girl. In a little dress. With little saddle shoes. Little pigtails. And we're back into it with the hit of the summer. The new Batman film! With the Joker!!! OMG!!!! And how good is it? Umm . . .

Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine are never given a chance to act. Katie Holmes has been replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal. Let's just say Maggie is as good an actress as Katie. Two-Face's transformation doesn't make much sense. Christian Bale doesn't do anything special. I've read he got ripped for the role, but you wouldn't know 'cause they never show you the extent of his muscles. Come on, let him take his shirt off. He's on a boat with a ballet troupe (who seem to be more amply proportioned than I would imagine ballerinas are) -- and yet we don't see some action. We've got time for boring talk of showing one's face and true heroes and yada yada yada -- why not time for the ballerinas with Bale's buff bod? Where's the fun? And it looks like they spent some time choreographing the fights, but they're filmed so close-up and darkly and quickly that you can't tell what they're doing.

So what does that leave us with? A bladder-busting 152 minutes of waiting for the Joker to come onscreen and slipping into boredom when he's offscreen. Heath Ledger is good -- maybe great -- but the effect of his performance seems constrained by the PG-13 rating. We never see how he makes the pencil disappear or see the answer to his question, "Why so serious?" Hannibal Lector bit a guy's face off, and we saw that, and it was terrifying. Heath might have been scarier if this were an R film, like it should be. But as it is, he's still plenty creepy. And the scene of him hanging out a police car is classic.

Bottom line: One more movie that goes in the "hour too long" column. A producer or executive or someone should have told the Nolan brothers to take out Two-Face and all the boring dialogue. So much talking, and yet I can't remember a single line. What's wrong with Batman versus just one villain? And what's wrong with making a film enjoyable to watch? Let's be honest. When the movie comes out on DVD, and if we decide to watch it a second time, we're going to watch the Joker scenes and skip the rest.

The Man Who Laughs

A silent film that takes place in 17th Century England. The only reason I watched it is because I read it's the basis for the character of the Joker. In this film, the son of a politician is operated on -- by Gypsies, of course -- and given a permanent smile so he can forever laugh at his fool of a father. And in fact, he looks like the Joker, but more Jack Nicholson's than Heath Ledger's.

I don't get the role of court jesters, in this film or in Shakespeare or in reality. Apparently, if you were a jackass and said stupid crap, you could be employed. I wonder if there's a modern-day equivalent, like a politician or a starring role in a sitcom (ahem, "King of Queens"). And who are these kings who tolerate these jesters? Jackasses in their own right, I imagine -- modern-day producers of film and TV.

Silent films are great since you can watch 'em in fast forward and still get the gist.

The Killing

An early Stanley Kubrick film. Emphasis on early. Black and white. So early it makes Hitchcock's "The Lady Vanishes" seem like "Chariots of Fire." Some guys try to rip off the horseracing track. It's like a dime paperback hardboiled lusty detective story, wannabe Dashiell Hammett, and it's probably as interesting as reading one of those, though I can't admit to having had the pleasure. People talk like the library detective played by Philip Baker Hall in the "Seinfeld" episode, "The Library." Which is a reason to see the "Seinfeld" show, not this movie.

La Femme Nikita

Not as "classic" or "required" or "good" as I remembered. Your run-of-the-mill '80s French spy-assassin flick that was bound to be remade with a bigger budget and a better soundtrack and worse acting. It's directed by the guy who made "The Professional," for which we are eternally grateful. In fact, this one also features Jean Reno.

Here's why it's odd: it's the story of a cold-blooded killer who were are to believe finds redemption by becoming an assassin. She feels uneasy about her line of work, but not because she struggles with the morality of killing people she does not know. Rather, it's more because it takes away from her time with her boyfriend. In its complete lack of humanity, it's like a Hollywood film. And, like most Hollywood films, we are left asking, why should I care? I'm no wimp when it comes to violence, but it should at least be meaningful or look cool. Here, it's just pointless.

Kickboxer

Van Damme learns Muay Thai kickboxing to beat Tong Po. Damme is Nuck Soo Kow - White Warrior. Tong Po, who I've long thought is one of the more memorable villains, plays himself. It is what it is.

Collateral Damage

Arnold vs. the Colombians. Arnold wins. Terrorists led by El Lobo killed his family in a bombing in LA, so Arnold tracks them down because the US government wants to negotiate. But guess what? "We can't negotiate with terrorists!" Mucho espanol spoken by guerillas, but it's mostly "vamanos" or "cayate" or "compre los zapatos!" Okay, maybe not that last one.

Teeth

A young woman promisekeeper struggles with her unique curse -- her who-ha has scorpion fangs or claws or something sharp that bites; let's call 'em teeth. Meaning, her promise is easy to keep. She must come to terms with her gift, like Peter Parker. Vagina dentata. They don't show it, but they show the after effects. Not good.

Its look, pace, and feel remind me of "Donnie Darko" (except no weird sci-fi crap) or parts of "The Insatiable." It also reminds me of another low-budget horror film about high schoolers, "Ginger Snaps," a movie in which a girl named Ginger becomes a werewolf and snaps. But it doesn't quite reach to the level of "May" or the incomparable "Kissed," in part because it doesn't explore more facets of her unique trait. She uses it in predictable ways, but I wish she could have used it in more creative ways.

Flesh + Blood

Western Europe in 1501. Not pretty, unless you were raping and pillaging. But even then you had to deal with the plague. (By the by, I didn't know it takes about thirty seconds to show signs of getting the plague.) The best-looking cat around is Rutger Hauer, which should give you pause. He looks like Billy Idol's older brother, which isn't terrible, but it's not great either. To each his own, I guess.

The title is not misleading -- a lot of flesh and blood. One guy even gets a rocket in the eye. Yes, it takes place in 1501 and a rocket gets him in the eye.

The plot is simple. Girl likes boy. Girl gets kidnapped and raped by other boy. Girl likes other boy. Original boy goes after girl. Girl spends most of the movie naked while other people kill and carouse and kill some more. If you like Jennifer Jason Leigh, and would like to see her in the role of Girl, by all means rent this film. But if you really want to see a movie of this ilk, just watch "Bloodrayne (Unrated Director's Cut)."

ATL

Think of it as "Roll Bounce 2," starring T.I.P., or T.I., whatever he calls himself. Then the latter half becomes "Boyz n the Hood" for the Hannah Montana set. Not terrible, but I can't think of a reason to see it, other than looking at the actress who plays a character called New New.

Enemy of the State

Tony Scott is one of the best directors working today, and I wanted to see where he came from. His modern period might start with this film. The surveillance specifics in "Enemy of the State" prefigure his "Deja Vu," and the extensive use of multiple cameras shows signs of "Domino."

The unrated extended cut has more Seth Green, Jamie Kennedy, Jack Black, Jason Lee, Barry Pepper, and the weird-looking guy from "Starship Troopers." And of course Will Smith and Gene Hackman, in a role similar to that of "The Conversation." The bad guy, Jon Voigt, was born on 9/11, which is curious.

The plot revolves around a new law, the Telecommunications Security and Privacy Act, which would allow unlimited government surveillance. Will Smith's wife says, "There goes the Fourth Amendment, what's left of it." She also calls someone who supported the bill a "fascist gas bag." That sounds about right. In my opinion, the movie should be required viewing for the people who recently sold out our country by passing something similar.

Just kidding, I don't really mean it.

Yes, I do.

Revenge

Part of my effort to see all of Tony Scott. From the beginning, we're skeptical since one of the selling points is that it was "filmed on location in Mexico." This, like "Top Gun," starts with jets. But then it goes into new territory, with a love triangle of Mexicans played by Anthony Quinn and an eventually Joker-grinned Madeleine Stowe, with American Kevin Costner caught in the middle. There's a nice performance by Miguel Ferrer, voice of the Heretic Leader in "Halo 2" and co-star of "Robocop." And Quinn plays a convincing Mexican. The last shot is impressive, a hilltop convent with the shadow of a huge mountain in the background. It makes you want to reread "Under the Volcano" for some reason.

Witness for the Prosecution

A classic Billy Wilder-helmed film with a lengthy English court trial at the end, replete with cross-examination galore. The ending has about a dozen plot twists in the last five minutes or so, but that doesn't detract from the rest of the film. Plus, Agatha Christie wrote it. I've only read one of her books ("And Then There Were None," also known as "Ten Little Indians"), but I thought it was great.

Diary of the Dead

July 3, 2008

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry.

It's me, George A. Romero. I made another zombie movie. I've made "Night of the Living Dead," "Dawn of the Dead," and "Day of the Dead." After I exhausted time, I made "Land of the Dead." Now I went the Harriet the Spy approach with "Diary of the Dead."

This one uses the film-within-a-film, mockumentary-like "found footage" approach, which, to be perfectly frank, is a tired tack. "Diary" is very "Blair Witch" meets "Scream," with some self-righteous social commentary on how the government lies to the media and the media lies to the people, most likely alluding to recent events. For safe measure, I also throw in some stuff about the perversity of reality TV, making some shallow, fairly obvious observations.

I'll try to do better next time.

The Hunger

A Tony Scott-directed early '80s film about a bisexual vampire, so out there it makes you wonder how he went from this to "Top Gun." It actually shares quite a lot in common with "Blade Runner," filmed the previous year by Scott's brother, Ridley. There are striking similarities in tone, soundtrack, pace, imagery, and themes, but "The Hunger" might be even more broody and shadowy and David Bowie. I've tried to appreciate "Blade Runner" over the years, and I've gotten close, but I've always fallen short, ultimately finding it dull. But "The Hunger" I like after one viewing. Maybe I'm ready to give "Blade Runner" another shot. Or maybe it's just that I much prefer Tony to Ridley.

Venus in Furs

A dreamy, atmospheric, arty, pretentious, boring depiction of the sadistic underbelly of the '70s jazzy Eurotrash jet-set crew. Mildly amusing in a how-did-a-movie-like-this-get-made kind of way, but not worth it. To its credit, the second half seems to go by a lot faster than the first, but that's probably because I was fast-forwarding in order to get through it.

The Matrix, Death Warrant

Back to back. Morpheus is Laurence Fishburne's character in "The Matrix," and also the password to the files in "Death Warrant." So there's a link. Other than that, they're opposites. One is great, one is not.

Persepolis

The history of modern Iran as seen through the eyes of an animated French-speaking girl. A bit inside, I know. Reader(s) of this blog should have picked up on the fact that I'm not a fan of animated films. I don't think there's much to them. This one's actually good. And it looks unique, stretching the medium to use creative ways to convey feeling and theme. If there's another thing like it, I haven't seen it.

In Bruges

Before I settled in to spend a harrowing two hours in a theater watching the overrated catastrophe "Juno," I saw a preview for "In Bruges." A friend next to me leaned over and said she hoped the film we were about to see would be better. At the end of "Juno," she was relieved it had been better. But for me, the preview of "In Bruges" was the best part of watching "Juno." It's funny and sweet and odd, and even though the ending doesn't quite do it for me, I would still recommend it. "In Bruges" also shows that Colin Farrell has found his niche, giving his own spin to every line he delivers, like, "If I'd grown up on a farm and was retarded, Bruges might impress me. But I didn't, so it doesn't." He's great.

Inside

French home-invasion horror. A psychotic woman wants to perform an unauthorized C-section on a very pregnant woman, set against the backdrop of the recent riots. Profoundly bloody, numerous stabbings. But for being tightly focused and trying to follow Aristotle's notion of the unity of time for drama, it has an episodic feel, with David Lynch-like droning accompanying the screen fading in and out between brutal death scenes. And it highlights an admirable trend in cinema, confined mainly to horror films (see also "High Tension"), with the stars being women, and the men being the throwaway side characters who never seem to last. Keep it up, French horror directors!

P.S. The ending goes into territory where only foreign films can tread. It's not pretty, and if it doesn't make you say WTF, I don't know what will.

Cyborg

I think movies are too long, so it's admirable when a film is less than 90 minutes. But still, whenever one is, you have to wonder, is it because the movie is completely terrible? In the case of last year's "Vacancy," the answer is no. In the case of "Cyborg," the answer is a firm yes. The title card says this sci-fi film takes place in New York City "in the future." And this is after the narrator has already told you the film takes place in the future. Something that stupid tells you you're entering "Battlefield Earth" territory. The most interesting part of the film was this same opening narration, which inspired some lines from Method Man's "Tical 2000: Judgement Day."

I don't believe everything I read on Wikipedia, but some things I'd like to believe are true. For instance, according to Wikipedia (as of 7:17 a.m. June 23, 2008), the studio had costumes and props left over from the sequel to "Masters of the Universe," which fell through, and they needed to use them to make some money, so someone wrote this movie. I think they also had a leftover synthesizer soundtrack. If you watch this movie -- and there's no reason you should -- you'll believe this Wikipedia story too.

Double Impact

Van Damme is long lost brothers, Chad and Alex, separated at birth, who both grow up to be karate masters. One of them looks like Jimmy Fallon as the undercover Cuban in "Taxi." But of course, if you cast the Muscles from Brussels as both brothers, of course they have to be karate masters. And we know they're identical because they both have the same odd bump on the forehead that he had in "Lionheart," and they both have an inexplicable accent.

The ending takes place in a location that reminds me of the unjustifiably unknown Eddie Griffin action film, "Blast," which has the best pre-fight one-liner in recent memory: "It's George Bush time." To which (to make it the best pre-fight two-liner in recent memory) his Noah Wyle look-alike sidekick (the stoner from "Clueless") says something like, "You mean it's just us?" The ending also has a flexarific fight between Van Damme and the pectoral madness that is Bolo Yueng.

The most notable part of the film is a dark-blue-hued fight scene between Van Damme and a guy with spurs. The fighters dance in and out of the shadows, and it looks like a surreal Grace Jones video. It borders on the artistic. But you know what's not artistic? Ending an early '90s film with the camera freezing on the hero giving the ok sign with his fingers.

Othello

Laurence Olivier takes his turn as the eponymous Moor, although delivering a conflicted performance, at times Shakespearean and proper, and at others Al Jolson-like in his blackface smiling and "Tropic Thunder" makeup. I now know why Iago's wife should be hot (which I didn't get when I saw Orson Welles's version): in the first act Iago mentions how others talk about Othello sleeping with his wife. If Othello is to be any kind of credible wooer, he should not settle for second best.

Semi-Pro

Not even semi-funny. The jokes are tired and stale. Side note: rappers should stop acting. I've been tired of Mos Def appearing in films, and now I'm tired of Andre 3000 trying to act. If I could paraphrase how I remember Philip Seymour Hoffman's line in "M:I III" to Tom Cruise during the interrogation: "Just stop, okay. Don't." So, to all the rappers who want to act who are reading this blog, just stop, okay? Don't.

The Other Boleyn Girl

The story of how one family tried to sleep their way to the top. Might have been good in a "Poison Ivy" kind of a way, but for some reason, the cinematographer had the cameras out of focus during the good stuff. The movie suffers from a huge plot problem, akin to that of the recent seasons of "Lost." I'm thinking of the curious power of Ben to give people a reason to kill him and not be killed, and the ability to have people do what he says when there's no reason for them to do so. Here, the uncle tells everyone in his sister's family -- the Boleyns -- what to do, and they don't want to do it, and yet they do it. Um, may I ask why?

And if I could get on my democracy soapbox for a minute, I think it's odd so many people are concerned about the legitimacy of the heir to the king. It's as if they legitimately worry, if we don't have some random-ass heir (whoever comes out of the queen), then we'll end up with some other random-ass heir, and that would be bad. As if monarchies aren't inherently ridiculous. End of lecture, England's ridiculous, I'm done.

Lionheart

Van Damme plays Lyon, who has a lion's heart. See, it's a play on words. And this is back in the day when he was cu-ute (pronounced with two syllables). He escapes from Djibouti to New York, and has to get to Cali to save his brother who looks like the burnt Hungarian who fingered Keyser Soze. But he has no money, no job, no green card. What's he to do? Street fight.

Near the beginning, it tries to be a message movie, Van Damme's "Driving Miss Daisy," by showing the disparity of rich and poor, but that's quickly sidelined once the sporadic fight sequences begin. Bottom line: a'ight.

And, for those who care, the ending credits reveal the fight choreography was by Van Damme and Frank Dux, whose real-life story was "Bloodsport."

The Conformist

Some Italian film. Not great.

I'm Not There

I have seen pretension, and its name is "I'm Not There," the onanistic, impressionistic, POS biopic of Bob Dylan. The shtick is that Dylan is played by six different actors meant to embody different personas he's adopted over the years -- Richard Gere as Cowboy Dylan, Cate Blanchett as Fellini Dylan, Heath Ledger as Heath Ledger Dylan, and Christian Bale as Born-Again Dylan (who, perhaps deliberately, does a bad GW impression). But the most inspired casting choice is David Cross as Allen Ginsberg. Cross of course brings his baggage as Tobias Funke from "Arrested Development," and we can't take him seriously as an overrated goofball poet who wrote one good thing (Yes, I'm thinking of "Howl."). So when Cross reads a poem as Ginsberg, you imagine Tobias auditioning for "The Prosecution," probably a CBS procedural, reading something he knows, which is of course an Eve Ensler-penned monologue. Other than this unintentionally funny five-second snippet, I can't think of anything nice to say about this movie.

The Trial

Orson Welles takes on Franz Kafka. Welles's directing can be seen more from the creative camera angles than the sometimes stilted acting. It would be fair to say I stopped caring about this film about 20 minutes into it, and I finished it merely to be able to get a new Netflix and write another post. And maybe the movie deserves better treatment than I gave it, but that was my experience of watching this movie, which is what the blog is all about.

Them

An efficient French (but set in Romania) home-invasion thriller, along the lines of the far superior "High Tension." It's short and focused like "Vacancy," which I like. But there's nothing that stands out about the production. In fact, the Just Bourne Critic slept through the whole thing.

Au Hasard Balthazar

A classic tale of a girl (who looks like a young Jessica Alba) and her donkey. Both are tormented by a young French Liev Schreiber/Jason Bateman, and others. The deeper religious meaning was probably lost on me. Unless the meaning was life means suffering, in which case I got it.

Othello

Orson Welles stars as the eponymous Moor in this on-the-cheap B&W production. Not Welles's finest hour (and a half). There might be some good ideas here, but the poor quality of the film stock and audio get in the way of appreciating it as much as we should be able to. Also, the actor who plays Iago doesn't seem charismatic enough to fool Othello and the war backdrop to the entire story should be better and more prominently portrayed. And for whatever reason, I think the play works best when both Iago and Emilia are hot, but here they're not, they're so not.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Stupid as hell. Unbelievably stupid as hell. Spielberg, who recently impressed with his great "War of the Worlds" and classic "Munich," takes three giant leaps backwards as a filmmaker, scraping from the bottom of the barrel of reject ideas from his '50s nostalgia crap phase and trying to pass off cheap stereotypes and prairie dogs as comic relief. And the next person who casts Shia LaBeouf in a big-budget blockbuster gets 5... no, 10 demerits.

The Third Man

A classic British noir that takes place in Vienna around World War II, with its American, British, French, and Russian zones, and Germans all about. Graham Greene wrote it. Greene wrote great books, until he introduced a Catholic character, then he wrote terrible books. But "The Third Man" has no Catholics in it, so the script is decent. And Orson Welles is a supporting actor, so bonus. He asks the tough questions, like when he's on top of the ferris wheel and talking about his victims: "Would you really feel any pity if one of those dots stopped moving forever?" Great stuff.

The Hidden Fortress

An Akira Kurosawa-Toshiro Mifune collaboration samurai-era tale that inspired "Star Wars." I've seen it before, I'll probably see it again. It's muy bien.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Two great comic actors -- Robert Downey Jr. and Val Kilmer -- in a film that thinks it's really subverting action films like "Lethal Weapon" and "48 Hours" and "Beverly Hills Cop," but in fact isn't that subversive and sticks to the script it tries to deviate from. Also features the curiously overrated Michelle Monaghan. The movie, though, has some good lines and is enjoyable enough.

La Piscine

Rich French people laze about a swimming pool. A guy who looks like Chief Justice John Roberts shows up at the country villa of his friend, who looks like Rob Lowe. Roberts has his daughter with him (who is "of age," as they say), and Lowe has his girlfriend with him. The characters toy with each other in a "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" kind of way, and there are myriad uncomfortable silences of nothing but the four characters eyeing each other. Not my cup of tea -- no wait, that's English -- It's not my haute cuisine.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

Better than II and III. It's a little weird the queen falls for Anakin when he's a young boy. A tad R. Kelly-ish. Jar Jar's a disaster. Interesting to note that Keira Knightley's in it as Sabe, who I think is Natalie Portman's character's body double. That's all I've got to say.

Frenzy

This '70s Hitchcock thriller about the necktie murderer is in color, but other than that, it's standard fare. Not his best.

Alice

Hit paydirt with KDRT. (Worth a shot.) This Czech interpretation of "Alice in Wonderland" uses stop motion animation, so it's like a longer, darker "California Raisins" sketch, with some surreal elements as well. To paraphrase Kanye West, I just spent an hour and a half on this, just to say, "You ain't up on this."

Hamlet

A great example of Shakespeare on film, comparable in my eyes only to the performance of "Romeo and Juliet" in "Shakespeare in Love," the play within the play. Although, Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet doesn't give proper emphasis to my favorite line, when you says to Ophelia, "It would cost you a groaning to take off mine edge."

The Return

A Russian film about a 12-years-absent dad who returns to spend time with his two sons. The dad is not a good dad, and the sons don't like him. They go on a fishing trip. At the end of the film, they "return" as well. Cut and dry; that is it. But it's well done, so it's worth watching. I'm not sure, though, if a repeat viewing would illumine what was in the box.

Eyes Wide Shut

I'm reminded of an adage used in Bret Easton Ellis's "Glamorama": The better you look, the more you see. In the unrated version of "Eyes Wide Shut" (which is available in the US now), you do see more. I can't say the unedited footage makes the film move any faster, or makes the almost Pynchonesque conspiratorial denouement (which seems like half the movie) any more revelatory. But you do see more.

Rosario Tijeras

I don't see too many Colombian films. So upon starting this one, I wondered, will films from this country reflect that the country is torn apart by the drug war, rebel groups, terrorism, assassinations, paramilitaries, and rampant kidnapping? Will Colombian films reflect that the country's biggest exports are cocaine, heroin, flowers, coffee, and Shakira? If this movie is any indication, yes. It's a saucy, violent, striking thriller about an assassin loved by many men; it's like a Colombian "Shiri," but not nearly as good. Unfortunately, the movie seems like a meta-experiment in imparting to the viewer the experience of the actors' cocaine use -- for however amped up and frenetic the first half is, the second half is that much slowed down and like a comedown, and it's a letdown.

If I allot myself two hours to watch this film again, I will watch the first half and then watch the first half again.

Aguirre, The Wrath of God

I've finally seen it: a Werner Herzog film worth a repeat viewing. Spanish explorers (who speak in German -- I wonder if they're trying to speak German with a Spanish accent?) look for the City of Gold, El Dorado, Peru, in 1560. The adventure shows Catholic priests were complicit in the slave-driving of native Incans. Most interesting is a scene where the priest gives a bible to the "savage," telling him it contains the word of God; the savage holds it up to his ear and shakes it and says it does not speak; the priest then stabs him with a sword, killing him for blasphemy. Yes, the converting went well.

The extended sequence of the Spaniards traveling up the river recalls traits of "The New World": a realistic portrayal of survival in a foreign country, but played allegorically, like Herzog (and Terrence Malick in "The New World") had "Heart of Darkness" in mind. There are some great lines as well. As the Spaniards pass by a village, the Incans shout, "Meat is floating by." Later, Aguierre says, "That man is a head taller than me. That may change." It does change.

Macbeth

The only Roman Polanski film I allow myself to watch isn't as great as I remember. I don't like Shakespearean monologues that are portrayed as merely someone's thoughts, the character walking around with a voiceover no one else can hear. They're meant to be spoken out loud. But the production does have its finer moments, such as when Lady Macbeth says, "We fail," and not "We fail?" Polanski also, to his credit, makes Ross a more interesting character than I would have thought, eerily portrays the coming of Birnam Wood to Dunsinane, and adds an element to the end, of the brother of the new king going to see the weird sisters. Perhaps Ross will befriend him as he did Macbeth.

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

Still sucks. Hayden's worse in this one than he is the third, and Jar Jar's as stupid here as he was in the first. How does something this bad happen, and how does it still make so much money? Some scenes are so bad, they make you say, "Jesus Christ," and not in a good way.

My Left Foot

Daniel Day-Lewis thought he was bad off, now he's even more so. Not only is he a poor Irishman, but he also has CP and can only control his left foot. A happy film? No. A good film? Sure, whateva.

Bulworth

Bulworth was an ideas man, and every viewing of this movie makes me upset we don't have any politicians who speak like he does. I'm not saying we need someone to suggest a voluntary, free-spirited, open-ended program of procreative racial deconstruction. But it'd be nice.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

The first part of the greatest (only?) two-part trilogy in film history comes to a close. Casting Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker, aka Darth Vader, may be the third classic blunder (along with getting involved in a land war in Asia and going up against a Sicilian when death is on the line). The whole point of the first trilogy is the turning of Anakin to the dark side, so for the audience to be into it, the movie requires an actor with enough talent to convey being conflicted, torn between staying true to the Force and the desire to save Padme's life. But, alas, Hayden tries to scowl his way through the phoned-in performance, and it drags down an otherwise . . . well, the rest of the movie could have used a lot less CGI and better dialogue, but it's better than the previous two.

I had forgotten all the hullabaloo when this came out about how it was supposed to be an allegory for the Bush administration. Proponents of this theory pointed out that Chancellor Palpatine was trying to seize more executive power by leading a fraudulent war, and Anakin tells Obi-Wan towards the end that he's either with him or his enemy. Oddly, this same hue and cry hasn't emerged about "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." Hear me out. The first movie was completely terrible; utterly worthless, devoid of any redeemable features whatsoever. And yet, someone decided we needed a second, and someone else supported that decision because someone else watched the stupid thing. And so here it is. And it will probably do well at the box office, so we can expect, I don't know, five more of these. I'm not sure whether that ties in to politics, but I do know this: don't watch it.

The Great Dictator

Charlie Chaplin plays both an Adolph Hitler-esque dictator and a Jewish barber who looks like the Adolph Hitler-esque dictator. Unless I've got my history wrong, I think this was progressive by 1940's Hollywood standards, especially in its condemnation of anti-Semitism and its ceaseless mocking of the German language. It has its moments, but I think I may be more of a Buster Keaton man.

Fists in the Pocket

A '60s Italian film about a dysfunctional family and a son who decides to do something about it, i.e., kill off his family. The weird clan might be seen as an early version of the psychopathic Firefly family in Rob Zombie's "The Devil's Rejects," but that'd be stretching this film's relevance further than it should go. I've seen better.

The Kite Runner

Like "Atonement," "The Kite Runner" centers around a child who does unforgiveable things. And like "Atonement," the movie's dull. But unlike "Atonement," this movie at least makes sense. There's not something terribly wrong with the movie. It's just boring. It's too bad that Hollywood finally made a movie starring exclusively people from the Middle East and wasn't about them being terrorists, and the movie wasn't good. We can hope that doesn't stop them from trying.

Swimming Pool

Generally regarded as a thriller with a twist ending, this film neither thrills nor surprises in the end. Which isn't to say it's not an okay movie. (It does have Ludivine Sagnier in one of her finer roles, and an English-speaking one at that. She brings her unique, French pronunciation to lines like, "He's the king of orgies, didn't you know?") It's just, let's be honest about what we're watching.

Reincarnation

Here are some helpful tips for any woman starring in a Japanese horror film:
If the camera zooms in on your face, there's a ghost behind you.
If your face is in the frame, but the camera is focusing on something over your shoulder, there's a ghost behind you.
If there's a little kid running around who you see but nobody else does, odds are it's a ghost.
If the kid says things like, "We'll stay together forever," definitely a ghost.
That girl who tells you she thinks she was killed in a past life? Good chance she's going to be killed in this one as well, and soon.
If you want the movie to work, you -- the star -- have to carry the whole thing because the people they get to play Ghost 1 and Ghost 12 and so on in a low-budget movie are probably going to be terrible actors. At best, they may have taken one improv class at the local community center, and they'll come across like the dancing landlord in "The Big Lebowski."
If you want the movie to make sense, too bad -- it's Japanese.

The Orphanage

An atmospheric, Peter Pan-ic Spanish ghost story about a haunted orphanage. Not great, but I'm sure the English-language remake will be worse.

A League of Thier Own

A lesson in little-known American history, and a Fergalicious performance by Tom Hanks as a drunk, over-the-hill manager who signs autographs like, "Avoid the clap. Jimmy Dugan."

Starting Out in the Evening

An aging writer trying to finish his last book; a fawning, young English grad student. Sounds like a recipe for something. Like "Venus," this is another in the genre of old-guy-and-young-girl-have-quasi-romantic-relationship movies. The actors (Frank Langella and Lauren Ambrose) get their characters right on: the writer is scholarly played, and the grad student has the perfect mix of snobbery, obsequiousness, and flirtation. The ending too is nice. If you don't want a hint, stop reading. But a lesser movie would have the writer embrace life in new ways, forsake writing and live his life to the fullest; here, he stays true to his profession and literally starts out in the evening, and it's refreshing.

The Savages

"Away From Her" meets "The Squid and the Whale," but not as dramatic or funny. Better than "Away," worse than "The Squid."

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

The editor of "Elle" magazine has a stroke and suffers from locked-in syndrome; he can only blink one eye. It's like the fantabulous "Johnny Got His Gun," but without the anti-war message. The first part of the film is seen from the main character's perspective and is very creatively filmed: the director shows the effects of light and tears on the vision and how restricted his world has become. "The Diving Bell" also has a great cast, especially Mathieu Amalric as the main character and Marie-Josée Croze as his speech therapist. The film is much better than director Julian Schnabel's other work, like "Before Night Falls." This is an accomplished and fully realized work of art.

But it wouldn't be one of my blog entries without me sharing some quibbles. As the movie goes on, we see some flashback scenes from the guy's life, but the scenes suffer from the same fatal flaw as in "The Passion of the Christ." They don't illuminate anything about the character and seem out of place. If you recall, "The Passion" was one man being tortured to death, with some scenes from his past. A decent director might have used these scenes to show why this man was being tortured; Gibson used the scenes to show Christ telling his followers things like, "This cracker is my body; eat of me." The film gives you absolutely no reason to feel sympathy for the main character because you don't know why people love or hate him so much. So long story short, the scenes from his past could have been better. And granted, the main character in "The Diving Bell" can only blink one eye, but at the end of the film you still don't know that much about him.

Charlie Wilson's War

Writer Aaron Sorkin knows how to make smart sexy. One might say he brought sexy smart back. Then again, one might not. Either way, his career has shown this sexiness comes with diminishing returns. He started off great ("A Few Good Men"), and then got better (season one of "The West Wing"), and then was just great again (season two of "The West Wing"), then was pretty good (season three), then just good (season four), and then not so good ("Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip"). So coming into this movie, one expects it to be as sexy as the liner notes to Madonna's new CD, "Hard Candy." (If you haven't seen the liner notes, let me just say this: they're not that sexy.)

But "Charlie Wilson's War" turns out to be pretty good, on par with season three of "The West Wing." I have to say, though, I have no idea how it was nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Comedy or Musical. Nobody sings, and it's not funny. I liked it because it showed an overlooked part of history and, unlike most movies, this one actually has a thesis: it was a good idea to give money to the muj to defeat the Soviets, but the US went wrong by not building schools and helping them out after the Soviets left.

Syndromes and a Century

This Thai film is so god am bad it makes "I Know Who Killed Me" seem like a two-star Woody Allen film. It was well reviewed, but then, so was "Juno," so that doesn't mean much. Thai censors wanted a few scenes cut from the film -- images of a monk strumming a guitar and a doctor kissing his girlfriend. What's amazing is that the Thai government paid someone enough money to sit through this film to see if anything should be cut.

The filmmaker described the movie as being about change and how people transform themselves. And watching it got me thinking about change. How if this was on TV, I could change the channel. But since it's a movie, all I can do is stop watching it, or just scream at the TV, "Turn the pange!"

Miami Vice

Another great Michael Mann movie about men and their toys. Like other Mann films (especially "Collateral"), it's beautifully filmed. But "Miami Vice" is shot digitally, giving it a saturated and vivid look and a high contrast deep-focus look, where you see the fore- and background with the same intensity. At least, that's what someone said on the bonus features. But unlike Mann's other work, to appreciate this one you have to sit through terribly delivered lines.

Another aspect of the film I like is how much terminology you'll pick up if you watch it. You'll learn words and acronyms like SAC, CI, HRT weapons team, Aryan Brotherhood (the ABs), Mongols, Nazi Low Riders, QTH, op sec, counterintel, transpo, FLIR images, go-fast boats, AWACS, OCDETF, AUC, avgas, Adam A500s, Caravelles, 727s, ADO, L-shaped ambush, and of course, peckerwood proxies.

Black Snake Moan

A recently jilted and spiritually revived bluesman chains a nympho to his heater to treat her condition. Of course, the musician's black and the young girl is white, so there's a racial element here as well, but it's for the most part unaddressed. Director Craig Brewer might be trying to develop a new genre of film, Southern Gothic Nouveau, but this film is no "Hustle & Flow." But then, what is? It is, however, definitely, the better of Samuel L. Jackson's "Snake" movies.

Vanishing Point

This is one of the movies referenced at least 50 times in "Death Proof," most notably because it features the Dodge Challenger car the characters use to play Ship's Mast. It's pretty stupid and pointless, but I can see how certain segments of the film community might find it appealing.

Ghostbusters 2

As Lance from "Pulp Fiction" might have put it, if "Ghostbusters" is like Panda, then this is like Bava: "Different, but equally good."

8 Women

A French murder mystery set during a retreat to a country manor. At this retreat are -- wait for it -- 8 women, plus a dead guy. The Netflix reviews I read compared it to "Gosford Park," so it seems everyone forgot about "The Rules of the Game" and "Clue" like everyone forgot about Dre. It's a mystery, but also a musical, so every once in a while, everyone starts singing like it's Bollywood Time, except with really limited blocking and direction. That makes this a musical for people who don't know anything about musicals. This is the last time I listen to a recommendation from a crazy guy in a video store who talks incessantly (seriously -- if he wasn't talking to someone, he was talking to himself) and uses phrases like "Fourth Wall-ish."

Lars and the Real Girl

Lars (Ryan Gosling) is socially awkward and lives in a small town. And boy does he get some looks when he starts dating a blow-up, life-size love doll. Perhaps it's the only way he could deal with breaking up with Rachel McAdams. The townspeople, in a move only available in movies, play along because they like Lars that much. They think to help someone with this mental illness, or whatever it is Lars has, they should treat Bianca, the doll, like a real person and talk to her and comb her hair and ask her to read to children. Remember, this is a doll. I'm not sure who's more insane, Lars or the townspeople who treat the doll like a real person, even when Lars is not around. Throughout the movie, Gosling has an innocence in his love for this doll that is either sincere and sweet or really creepy.

I'm not sure what to make of the film -- sweet or creepy -- but that's an issue with the story more than the acting and directing, which were better than average. And against all odds, it maintains its pitch-perfect tone throughout, despite its weird-ass premise. It's played more serious than funny, closer to "Far From Heaven" than "Pumpkin." Now that I think of it, the extremely edgy "Pumpkin" was hilarious. And maybe this is the side of me that's not at all uncomfortable being one of five men at a sold-out Justin Timberlake concert, but I'm a Gosling fan. Even so, I still have no plans to see "The Notebook."

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead

Most movies that start in flagrante delicto have a hard time keeping up the pace. And the genre of low-key, procedural crime-gone-wrong stories have a strong pedigree: think "Alpha Dog" and "Fargo." So from the outset, this film -- which features both these traits -- has tough competition. But I think it does the job. Two brothers need money, so they decide to rob a mom-and-pop jewelry store, owned coincidentally by their mom and pop. What ensues makes a viewer aware of several things: Ethan Hawke is actually a decent actor; Marisa Tomei doesn't mind getting nekkid; and the Iranian film "Crimson Gold" is not the only film about a jewelry store robbery that reveals underlying truths about our society. Quite an engaging story.

Grindhouse

A contest between two filmmakers -- who can make the better film that features a brief appearance by Quentin Tarantino? The rub is that whenever Tarantino is onscreen, the movie comes to a complete standstill. Robert Rodriguez wins! People who think just anybody can act in a movie should watch these films; Tarantino demonstrates the error of their views. Among the other reasons why Rodirguez's film is better: he shows more than a lot of pointless dialogue. From now on, Tarantino should only make films that he himself has not written.

I've known Kurt Russell was a great actor since "Breakdown," but to see the birth of Rose McGowan as an action star in "Planet Terror" is exciting to watch. Watching them back-to-back, one also notices that both feature the character Doctor Block in the same hospital, one of the same cops, the character Jungle Julia (referred to on the radio in "Planet Terror"), and Rose McGowan.

The release of "Grindhouse" on DVD also illustrates American commercialism at its finest. The movie in theaters was several fake previews and both movies. But as if they're punishing people for not seeing it in theaters, if we want to buy it, we have to buy both separately, and we don't get to see all the previews. If everything that was shown in theaters was on one disc, you'd have a nice little package, despite some flaws. As it stands, I'm going to not buy it in order to punish them for not releasing it on one disc.

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

The spoof is an artistically bankrupt genre. The whole point of every scene is to make the viewer say, "Oh, this is like that one movie, except here a few things are different." How is that funny? It's usually not. This film too is usually not funny. The most memorable moments are provided by -- a tad surprisingly -- Tim Meadows. And the rest of the movie just made me think about how incestuous the comedy scene is these days. It's the same jokes by the same actors over and over, and I wish they would try new people sometimes.

Into the Wild

The premise is like a line from the SNL fake ad for Bad Idea jeans. A bunch of guys are sitting on a bench by a basketball court, all wearing jeans with the label Bad Idea. One says, "I've thought about it, and even though it's over, I'm going to tell my wife about the affair." Then the screen flashes: Bad Idea. Another says, "I was going to wear a condom, but then I thought, when am I going to be in Haiti again?" Bad Idea. Then this guy would say, "I'm going to live in Alaska, alone, though I know nothing about hunting and foraging, and I've only been able to survive as a homeless person for the last year because other people have helped me out, and there won't be anyone to help me in Alaska." Bad Idea.

It's the myopic, self-indulgent, credulous true story of a young man who wants to "live off the land for a few months" in Alaska, which I guess includes living in an abandoned bus with a bed and stove and other amenities. And we're supposed to believe he's sane. It's filmed like an inspirational story ("Be this guy"), but to me it seems like it'd make more sense if it were a cautionary tale ("Don't be this guy"). Maybe it should have been a comedy, starring Will Ferrell. Imagine the scenes of him being excited about crossing water, and then he jumps out because it's too cold. Or he's excited about communing with nature, but then he realizes nature sucks and it can kill you. Or maybe they could have spliced it with scenes from the BBC "Planet Earth" series. Imagine Will Ferrell excited to find a cave, but then he sees it's filled with bats, cockroaches, and a mountain of guano. That would have been better.

There's also a scene of the hero watching Papa Bush speak on the Persian Gulf War. I guess Penn is suggesting an alternative to our current overseas excursion is to stick your head in the sand and do nothing productive. That reminds me of a Deep Thought: "To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'" Similarly, a good way to avoid doing anything in life is to say, "Sorry, got to life off the land."

And ultimately, I'm not sure what the point of the film is. Part of it is how glorious this guy's life is on the road. The other part is his sister saying how screwed up he is because of his parents. So is he doing this trek because it's the right thing to do, or because it's a reaction to his childhood? Pick one, Sean. I'm not so sure about the rest of the directing, either. "Hey, Emile," says Penn, "why don't you walk around and we'll film you? Hey Emile, keep walking and we'll keep filming you. Act like you're listening to Eddie Vedder moaning. I didn't say stop walking. Now scream, 'I'm Supertramp!'" Sean Penn thought of it as a way to show an anti-materialistic way of life, how money ruins our lives. But I'm skeptical of someone who claims, "I don't need money," and then lives off the money and generosity of other people.

What it comes down to is, I think I didn't like this film because I don't like hippies.

Water Dripping from Burning Rocks

One of the Frenchest films I've ever seen, even though it's written by a German: men who fancy themselves Jules and Jim, with benefits; a young man with an impossibly unmuscular physique; a deceptively plain-looking woman (Ludivine Sagnier) who is not so plain-looking when she does what women do in French movies; people who talk of their love for the theater and art and philosophy, while at the same time not saying anything interesting about the theater or art or philosophy. As I said, it's very, very French. All it's lacking is a Godardian French New Wave verve. Overall, though, it's -- how you say, ah yes -- ok.

Lions for Lambs

A story of the War on Terror/Iraq as seen through the eyes of a professor, a reporter, a politician, and some soldiers tells you nothing you don't know if you've read the paper today, or yesterday, or last year. Skip it.

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre

This was made in 1948, so it's a classic. Plus it has the classic line, "Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges. I don't have to show you any stinking badges." It makes you wonder, why is that a classic line? I don't have an answer for that. Good movie, though.

The Boxer

Another Daniel Day-Lewis and Jim Sheridan flick, this one about a boxer released from prison who tries to go straight, but his IRA connections keep nagging at him. Day-Lewis wants to box and nothing more, standing as the voice of reason, a stoic equivalent of Michael DeLuise in "Encinco Man" yelling, "Shoosh!" to the IRA hotheads. In that sense he's like Cutty in season three of "The Wire." Not as good as "In the Name of the Father."

Duel

A '70s-era Spielberg take on the car chase movie. A normal guy in a car irritates the driver of a big rig, and road rage ensues. "Joyride" is a nice little update of this gem, which is probably one of the 500 films that influenced Quentin Tarantino's "Death Proof." There's only so much you can do in a car chase film; other than countless scenes of one car gaining on the other, a driver looking in his rearview mirror, and sudden swerves, there's not much to do. But Spielberg manages to do a lot here.

The Believer

Ryan Gosling is a Jewish neo-Nazi. He's, shall we say, conflicted. It's like a well executed, serious version of the Dave Chappelle skit about Clayton Bigsby, aka the Black White Supremacist. As the film goes on, Gosling's angst increases, as if he were just waiting for someone like Dr. Tobias Funke to talk to him man-on-man and tell him, "I think you hate White Power Bill." The film wrestles with universal themes of acceptance, regret, pride, and growing up that should resonate with people, even if they're neither fascist nor Jewish. I like Gosling ("Fracture," "Half Nelson"), and I'd like to preserve that opinion of him, so I plan to refrain from ever seeing "The Notebook."

Mala Noche

"Mala Noche" is Spanish for "bad night." I'll use it in a sentence: Last night I saw this film, so I had a mala noche. There's this guy, a liquor store clerk, who hangs out with two underage Mexican boys living in Portland, and the clerk is infatuated with one of them. We know this because the clerk fancies himself a poet, but since his prose barely reaches the level of a reject third-rate beat poet, he's not sympathetic or interesting. Though there are moments toward the end that remind me of Wong Kar-wai's vastly superior "Happy Together," for the most part I see the film as a precursor to "Old Joy" and "The Puffy Chair" and other terrible, pretentious, modern experiments in testing the viewer's patience. Whenever I see a really low-budget movie (like this one), I think how "El Mariachi" was made for less than $10,000. And that's a great movie. And the latter "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies had huge budgets, and they were terrible. The budget is not an excuse.

Angel Heart

Note to self: watch this again. Not right now, but sometime. Mickey Rourke as a gumshoe in the '50s (which looks a lot like the '80s, when this was made). Robert De Niro as the mysterious client, Louis Cypher (say it out loud, fast, and it gives something away). Lisa Bonet as a young sumthin' from New Orleans who doesn't mind dancing near a fire while she strips and drips chicken blood all over her. It also sets a creepy tone with a devil-in-Helsinki motif like "The Ninth Gate" and recurring images like whirring fans, broken mirrors, and an elevator going a symbolic direction. Not the best movie, and they could have shaved off about twenty minutes without losing anything, but they put some thought into it, and these days, you can't expect much more than that.

In the Name of the Father

The Troubles in Ireland and Britain during the '70s is the backdrop of this true story of terrorism, overzealous officers of the law, confessions extracted through torture, kangaroo courts, and innocent people imprisoned. This is the second of three collaborations between director Jim Sheridan and actor Daniel Day-Lewis. I think all will agree it was a more successful artistic relationship than when Sheridan and 50 Cent made "Get Rich or Die Tryin'," another film about a man in prison. Emma Thompson is the lawyer who saves the day. This and "Stranger Than Fiction" makes two recent films where I've really liked her. But, in looking at all the movies she's made, I actually haven't seen that many of them. Perhaps that should be a project of mine.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Well, it's a musical. Every time it starts to build some kind of momentum, people start singing for no reason and it all goes to pot. Musicals are such a worthless genre of film, I wonder why people continue to make them. I think some people consider the lyrics witty, but it's wordplay for wordplay's sake and nothing more. And the music's not great: brassy and offbeat and grating. It's a waste of talented actors, fine sets, and on-screen blood (though not as much as I was led to believe).

Office Space

In the past, I have been told that I look like Woody Harrelson, Joaquin Phoenix, and other white actors. After this movie came out, one friend said I bore a certain resemblance to Ron Livingstone as well. You be the judge:


















Yeah, I don't see it either. Other than that, I've seen this film at least five times before, so I don't have anything new to say.

Multiplicity

I'm surprised this hasn't been remade twice by now, given that the average Hollywood producer has the intelligence of Doug #4. The first would star Ryan Reynolds and Kate Hudson. Then, two years later, it would star some Beverly Hills socialite's son and would be a quasi-reality film. Then it would be spoofed by three of the six people behind "Scary Movie 6" or whatever, and it'd be called "Multiple Movie," and it would make $80 million. All the while, fans of the original would say, "Michael Keaton's a good actor. More people should watch 'Desperate Measures.'"