Beowulf

Imagine watching a semi-interesting cut scene from a video game that is usually too long at 2 minutes. Now imagine it's 2 hours long. That's what it's like to slog through this haphazard animated adaptation. Aside from some truly inspired action sequences, the film has a lackluster feel and makes one wonder why everything was animated. Many parts would have been better served by showing the actual actors.

The Danes of 507 AD were saucy brutes, and their English was quite good. They say things like, "Bring me my mead." Because "mead" is an older way of saying "alcohol," you know that this took place awhile ago. Just in case the title card that said "507 AD" didn't fill you in. They also swear by saying, "Odin's swifin balls," not too unlike Ron Burgundy saying, "Great Odin's raven!" My problem is, having them use Shakespeare-era English terms and phrases makes as much sense as them using modern slang, so they may as well just be speaking Old English.

The Danes have by this time heard of the new Roman God, Christ Jesus. But the king says they cannot rely on him, they need a hero. Like Beowulf the Geat, one of the Germanic people who lived in Sweden at this time. The at-times nude warrior announces himself, "I am Beowulf. I am here to kill your monster." There's probably a good drinking game in taking a shot every time he says, "I am Beowulf." You'd probably down a fifth after the first hour.

Beowulf "I am Beowulf" the Geat lives a full life. He fights Grendel, an overgrown demon that looks like a bloody fetus; he sleeps with Grendel's mom (Angelina Jolie), a naked water serpent that wears high heels; and he then fights a dragon, which turns out to be (spoiler alert) his son. Not bad for a Geat, but the movie could have been better.