The Day the Earth Stood Still

Holy mackeral! Holy Christmas! A human-looking alien, Klaatu, comes to the world to tell us to live in peace and without stupidity. He walks among us as Mr. Carpenter. Is he an alien, or a Russian? Does he truly come in peace? The special effects are rudimentary, but the story's good enough to make you wonder why Hollywood needs to remake it, other than the standard reason of having absolutely no creativity.

Dark City

A noirish sci-fi mystery with a nice comic booky look. Keifer Sutherland plays an odd scientist who speaks with an inexplicable accent and halting way of talking. Except of course when he points a gun at somebody and says, I kid you not, "We're running out of time." Is this the genesis of Jack Bauer? Parts of the film look a lot like the earlier "The City of Lost Children," and a character even uses the phrase "lost children." If I had made that movie, I'd be upset.

Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay

Racial stereotypes and gross-out humor and not much else. Neil Patrick Harris is present, but not as glorious as in the first Harold and Kumar adventure, where Harris frankly admitted he was tripping balls. This film also features some inbred crackers who named their cyclopian son Cyrus (to which I took personal offense). But perhaps most notably, we see a graphic threesome between Kumar, his dreamgirl, and Weedy, which is a life-size bag of weed. It's different, it's interesting.

The Dark Knight

Bawitdaba! I. Am. Back. Rock steady, and no more dizzies!!! I'm as giddy as a little girl. In a little dress. With little saddle shoes. Little pigtails. And we're back into it with the hit of the summer. The new Batman film! With the Joker!!! OMG!!!! And how good is it? Umm . . .

Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine are never given a chance to act. Katie Holmes has been replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal. Let's just say Maggie is as good an actress as Katie. Two-Face's transformation doesn't make much sense. Christian Bale doesn't do anything special. I've read he got ripped for the role, but you wouldn't know 'cause they never show you the extent of his muscles. Come on, let him take his shirt off. He's on a boat with a ballet troupe (who seem to be more amply proportioned than I would imagine ballerinas are) -- and yet we don't see some action. We've got time for boring talk of showing one's face and true heroes and yada yada yada -- why not time for the ballerinas with Bale's buff bod? Where's the fun? And it looks like they spent some time choreographing the fights, but they're filmed so close-up and darkly and quickly that you can't tell what they're doing.

So what does that leave us with? A bladder-busting 152 minutes of waiting for the Joker to come onscreen and slipping into boredom when he's offscreen. Heath Ledger is good -- maybe great -- but the effect of his performance seems constrained by the PG-13 rating. We never see how he makes the pencil disappear or see the answer to his question, "Why so serious?" Hannibal Lector bit a guy's face off, and we saw that, and it was terrifying. Heath might have been scarier if this were an R film, like it should be. But as it is, he's still plenty creepy. And the scene of him hanging out a police car is classic.

Bottom line: One more movie that goes in the "hour too long" column. A producer or executive or someone should have told the Nolan brothers to take out Two-Face and all the boring dialogue. So much talking, and yet I can't remember a single line. What's wrong with Batman versus just one villain? And what's wrong with making a film enjoyable to watch? Let's be honest. When the movie comes out on DVD, and if we decide to watch it a second time, we're going to watch the Joker scenes and skip the rest.

The Man Who Laughs

A silent film that takes place in 17th Century England. The only reason I watched it is because I read it's the basis for the character of the Joker. In this film, the son of a politician is operated on -- by Gypsies, of course -- and given a permanent smile so he can forever laugh at his fool of a father. And in fact, he looks like the Joker, but more Jack Nicholson's than Heath Ledger's.

I don't get the role of court jesters, in this film or in Shakespeare or in reality. Apparently, if you were a jackass and said stupid crap, you could be employed. I wonder if there's a modern-day equivalent, like a politician or a starring role in a sitcom (ahem, "King of Queens"). And who are these kings who tolerate these jesters? Jackasses in their own right, I imagine -- modern-day producers of film and TV.

Silent films are great since you can watch 'em in fast forward and still get the gist.

The Killing

An early Stanley Kubrick film. Emphasis on early. Black and white. So early it makes Hitchcock's "The Lady Vanishes" seem like "Chariots of Fire." Some guys try to rip off the horseracing track. It's like a dime paperback hardboiled lusty detective story, wannabe Dashiell Hammett, and it's probably as interesting as reading one of those, though I can't admit to having had the pleasure. People talk like the library detective played by Philip Baker Hall in the "Seinfeld" episode, "The Library." Which is a reason to see the "Seinfeld" show, not this movie.

La Femme Nikita

Not as "classic" or "required" or "good" as I remembered. Your run-of-the-mill '80s French spy-assassin flick that was bound to be remade with a bigger budget and a better soundtrack and worse acting. It's directed by the guy who made "The Professional," for which we are eternally grateful. In fact, this one also features Jean Reno.

Here's why it's odd: it's the story of a cold-blooded killer who were are to believe finds redemption by becoming an assassin. She feels uneasy about her line of work, but not because she struggles with the morality of killing people she does not know. Rather, it's more because it takes away from her time with her boyfriend. In its complete lack of humanity, it's like a Hollywood film. And, like most Hollywood films, we are left asking, why should I care? I'm no wimp when it comes to violence, but it should at least be meaningful or look cool. Here, it's just pointless.

Kickboxer

Van Damme learns Muay Thai kickboxing to beat Tong Po. Damme is Nuck Soo Kow - White Warrior. Tong Po, who I've long thought is one of the more memorable villains, plays himself. It is what it is.

Collateral Damage

Arnold vs. the Colombians. Arnold wins. Terrorists led by El Lobo killed his family in a bombing in LA, so Arnold tracks them down because the US government wants to negotiate. But guess what? "We can't negotiate with terrorists!" Mucho espanol spoken by guerillas, but it's mostly "vamanos" or "cayate" or "compre los zapatos!" Okay, maybe not that last one.

Teeth

A young woman promisekeeper struggles with her unique curse -- her who-ha has scorpion fangs or claws or something sharp that bites; let's call 'em teeth. Meaning, her promise is easy to keep. She must come to terms with her gift, like Peter Parker. Vagina dentata. They don't show it, but they show the after effects. Not good.

Its look, pace, and feel remind me of "Donnie Darko" (except no weird sci-fi crap) or parts of "The Insatiable." It also reminds me of another low-budget horror film about high schoolers, "Ginger Snaps," a movie in which a girl named Ginger becomes a werewolf and snaps. But it doesn't quite reach to the level of "May" or the incomparable "Kissed," in part because it doesn't explore more facets of her unique trait. She uses it in predictable ways, but I wish she could have used it in more creative ways.

Flesh + Blood

Western Europe in 1501. Not pretty, unless you were raping and pillaging. But even then you had to deal with the plague. (By the by, I didn't know it takes about thirty seconds to show signs of getting the plague.) The best-looking cat around is Rutger Hauer, which should give you pause. He looks like Billy Idol's older brother, which isn't terrible, but it's not great either. To each his own, I guess.

The title is not misleading -- a lot of flesh and blood. One guy even gets a rocket in the eye. Yes, it takes place in 1501 and a rocket gets him in the eye.

The plot is simple. Girl likes boy. Girl gets kidnapped and raped by other boy. Girl likes other boy. Original boy goes after girl. Girl spends most of the movie naked while other people kill and carouse and kill some more. If you like Jennifer Jason Leigh, and would like to see her in the role of Girl, by all means rent this film. But if you really want to see a movie of this ilk, just watch "Bloodrayne (Unrated Director's Cut)."

ATL

Think of it as "Roll Bounce 2," starring T.I.P., or T.I., whatever he calls himself. Then the latter half becomes "Boyz n the Hood" for the Hannah Montana set. Not terrible, but I can't think of a reason to see it, other than looking at the actress who plays a character called New New.

Enemy of the State

Tony Scott is one of the best directors working today, and I wanted to see where he came from. His modern period might start with this film. The surveillance specifics in "Enemy of the State" prefigure his "Deja Vu," and the extensive use of multiple cameras shows signs of "Domino."

The unrated extended cut has more Seth Green, Jamie Kennedy, Jack Black, Jason Lee, Barry Pepper, and the weird-looking guy from "Starship Troopers." And of course Will Smith and Gene Hackman, in a role similar to that of "The Conversation." The bad guy, Jon Voigt, was born on 9/11, which is curious.

The plot revolves around a new law, the Telecommunications Security and Privacy Act, which would allow unlimited government surveillance. Will Smith's wife says, "There goes the Fourth Amendment, what's left of it." She also calls someone who supported the bill a "fascist gas bag." That sounds about right. In my opinion, the movie should be required viewing for the people who recently sold out our country by passing something similar.

Just kidding, I don't really mean it.

Yes, I do.

Revenge

Part of my effort to see all of Tony Scott. From the beginning, we're skeptical since one of the selling points is that it was "filmed on location in Mexico." This, like "Top Gun," starts with jets. But then it goes into new territory, with a love triangle of Mexicans played by Anthony Quinn and an eventually Joker-grinned Madeleine Stowe, with American Kevin Costner caught in the middle. There's a nice performance by Miguel Ferrer, voice of the Heretic Leader in "Halo 2" and co-star of "Robocop." And Quinn plays a convincing Mexican. The last shot is impressive, a hilltop convent with the shadow of a huge mountain in the background. It makes you want to reread "Under the Volcano" for some reason.

Witness for the Prosecution

A classic Billy Wilder-helmed film with a lengthy English court trial at the end, replete with cross-examination galore. The ending has about a dozen plot twists in the last five minutes or so, but that doesn't detract from the rest of the film. Plus, Agatha Christie wrote it. I've only read one of her books ("And Then There Were None," also known as "Ten Little Indians"), but I thought it was great.

Diary of the Dead

July 3, 2008

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry.

It's me, George A. Romero. I made another zombie movie. I've made "Night of the Living Dead," "Dawn of the Dead," and "Day of the Dead." After I exhausted time, I made "Land of the Dead." Now I went the Harriet the Spy approach with "Diary of the Dead."

This one uses the film-within-a-film, mockumentary-like "found footage" approach, which, to be perfectly frank, is a tired tack. "Diary" is very "Blair Witch" meets "Scream," with some self-righteous social commentary on how the government lies to the media and the media lies to the people, most likely alluding to recent events. For safe measure, I also throw in some stuff about the perversity of reality TV, making some shallow, fairly obvious observations.

I'll try to do better next time.

The Hunger

A Tony Scott-directed early '80s film about a bisexual vampire, so out there it makes you wonder how he went from this to "Top Gun." It actually shares quite a lot in common with "Blade Runner," filmed the previous year by Scott's brother, Ridley. There are striking similarities in tone, soundtrack, pace, imagery, and themes, but "The Hunger" might be even more broody and shadowy and David Bowie. I've tried to appreciate "Blade Runner" over the years, and I've gotten close, but I've always fallen short, ultimately finding it dull. But "The Hunger" I like after one viewing. Maybe I'm ready to give "Blade Runner" another shot. Or maybe it's just that I much prefer Tony to Ridley.